After Blair's revelations during the ski trip, both Tom and Harry increased their efforts to support the younger man. They made it a point for one or both of them to spend some time with him each evening, although he still rarely left his quarters without Ellison, and tried to drag them both into ship's activities as often as possible.

It was the night of Naomi Wilder's fifth birthday, as her father's people reckoned them. Growing faster than a human child would, the little girl who had been called 'Spike' as a baby was bright and fun, the darling of the entire Voyager crew.

Arriving at the Sandburg-Ellison quarters, Harry went in surprised to find the former at his desk, working hard on something, his roommate nowhere to be seen.

"Harry." Blair greeted him with a tired smile. "Hey, you look good."

Glancing down at himself, Kim grinned.

"Tom dressed me."

"He did a good job." Blair leaned back and favored him with a long up-and-down look. In a tunic of muted reds and yellows and browns, over a pair of loose metallic bronze slacks, Harry resembled a burnished statue. Blair whistled in appreciation.

"Well, somebody should do the same for you." the other ensign said, crossing his arms over his chest and tapping a foot. "You aren't even ready to go."

Blair looked guilty but held his ground.

"Ellison said he's tired. Went to bed already."

"Is he sick?"

"I don't think so. But he zoned several times today. I think it's a combination of frustration and worry."

"I thought that was getting better. That he was bonding with you and that was going to stop."

"So did I." Blair sighed and leaned his head back, shaking out his unbound hair. It caught Harry's eye and he stepped forward to touch it. "Mmm. Here." handing a heavy silver-backed antique hairbrush over his shoulder, Sandburg closed his eyes and waited, relaxing slightly.

"You're easy." Harry informed him as he took the hint, and the brush, and began to stroke through it gently.

"You're taken." the retort was soft and perhaps a little bit sad.

"Yeah, well. There is that." biting his lip, Harry continued to brush. After a few minutes, when Sandburg was practically purring under his hands, he spoke again. "So why isn't it working anymore?"

A slight shrug of the wide shoulders.

"I don't know. I think - I'm afraid - that we've reached an impasse. A place where a decision has to be made or he has to find someone else. Someone he can bond with completely."

"Has he even noticed that he's bonded with you?" laying down the hairbrush, Harry slid his fingers through the mass and began separating it through them.

"He's never said anything, but he's not a stupid man, especially where his abilities are concerned. Man, if he'd found a Guide twenty years ago, like most of them do, or even ten, he'd be one of the strongest Sentinels alive."

"And he'd have a houseful of kids, too."

"That would drive him nuts." Blair tiled his head back to grin up at Harry.

"Maybe it's time to take a chance, Blair." Harry said seriously, twining the hair into a tidy five-way plait. "Don't tell him about the bonding or the metaphysical stuff - just tell him that you feel close to him, y'know, give him a chance to think about how he feels."

Blair sighed again and hung his head forward this time. Harry missed the energy that used to mark his every move.

"When I had Marcel to talk to...to sleep with, someone to hold onto during the night...it was way easier then."

"You're welcome in our bed anytime you need that, Blair." Harry said seriously, knowing that Tom would agree. "We're here if you need us."

He knew from previous conversations how much Blair hated to sleep alone. Growing up he had shared his mother's bed, with any number of lovers and 'family' members, and after that he'd slept in a children's dorm, a dozen kids piled into giant beds like puppies. At the Academy he'd had two Deltan roommates who had been happy to provide him with as much physical comfort as he wanted, within the bounds of their no-sex vow. Even when not having sex Deltans require frequent physical contact for both their physical and mental health. The arrangement had been beneficial for them all. Sleeping alone was the Blair's biggest complaint about being on Voyager. Too many people who didn't understand the need for companionship, who mistook it for sex every time.

Marcel had understood. He had willingly slept with the human male every night once they got serious, whether sex was a part of it or not.

"I appreciate the offer, Harry." Blair stood and gave him a swift, hard hug. "But it's not the same for the two of you. I don't want to intrude."

"Well, the offer stands." the oriental ensign allowed himself to be shown out. "You'll be missed at the party."

"I dropped my card off already." Blair found a small grin to reassure his friend. "Have a good time. Kiss Tom for me."

"As many times as he'll let me." with a quick grin, meant to encourage, Harry was on his way, with one last parting shot. "Talk to him Sandburg. It's what you do best!"

Stepping back and letting the doors slide closed again, Blair muttered to himself.

"No, research is what I do best - despite all evidence to the contrary."

The voice that came from behind him - low and smooth and deceptively mild - startled him so badly that he jumped back, bumping himself on the door.

"I know you're good at research, Chief." Ellison stood in his doorway, leaning casually. "You've found out more about Sentinels than anyone else was ever supposed to know. A lot of what you've said -" he moved forward now, arms swinging loosely at his sides, the impression of stalking too clear, "- isn't in any books. You either put it together for yourself or you read it from my mind."

Now the anger was visible through the charade. Blair held his ground, hands flat on the door behind him, head tilted up as Ellison came closer.

"I can't read minds, man." the protest was weak. He licked suddenly dry lips and tried again. "I've told you before. I can tell what you're feeling... but I have to guess at the why."

The bigger man stopped just a couple of inches away from him. One arm extended and he wrapped a fist into the front of the uniform Blair still wore.

Slowly, with casual strength, he slid the smaller man up the door until their eyes were level, Blair wincing at the pressure in his groin, where the tough material bunched and pulled, taking his weight. But he met Ellison's eyes, instinctively understanding how important that contact was to the older man.

"Frankly, Sandburg, I wouldn't know a bonding if it bit me. But I've found that I don't mind having you around as much as I used to." the voice was harsh but there was no threat in the words. He leaned closer and Blair pressed his head back to the door harder, feeling the knot of his braid digging into the tender skin of his scalp. "And that alone makes me wonder if you don't know what you're talking about."

His nostrils flared as he caught the scent of Blair's arousal. Shoving a little harder, he rubbed a thigh into the smaller man's groin but found no hardened erection waiting for his touch.

"Not up to your plans, Chief?" he taunted gently.

"Not turned on by threats, man." Blair answered steadily, raising his hands beside his head and spreading them wide. "You want to be twentieth-century about this, I can't stop you." he referred to the period of Earth history when homosexuals had been the most severely persecuted, by the government and everyone else.

"Calling names now? How about this, you little hippie punk; I can handle anything you can dish out." the archaic insults sounded stilted on his tongue, accustomed to more formal fare, but he managed to make them rude enough.

"Then put me down and we'll find out."

The brave words had barely left his mouth when his heartbeat spiked and his body temperature jumped at least half a degree.

"Anything is better than this feeling -- this crawling sensation that I get every time you get out of my sight." Ellison said softly, lowering him with the same care he had raised him with, maintaining his hold until Blair was steady on his feet again. "Come on." he turned without another word and led the way into his bedroom.

Blair followed, scarcely able to think, trying desperately to divide his own responses from what he was picking up from Ellison. But the emotions were too mixed up, they swirled through him in a choppy sea of sensation, leaving him precious few brain cells to think with.

His empathic abilities were, as with other empaths, generated in a specific section of his brain, one seldom utilized by a human. But, because they were so rare among his kind, they tended to spread out and overwhelm the functions of neighboring sections. Sections like the frontal lobe, home of reason and logic.

Which would really be screaming at this point, he thought dazedly as Ellison stopped beside his bed - a double, not a narrow twin like Blair's - and looked him up and down - if he had any brain cells there that weren't already co-opted by the empathy.

"So what do we do? I'm hoping we can skip the 'dinner-with-a-walk-on-the-beach' nonsense." looking at him, the big man seemed carved from stone.

"Um...yeah. Well, it's not that much different." with shaking hands Blair reached for the tie on Ellison's robe. "First we get naked..."

"I can do it myself." not quite batting the small hands away, Ellison untied his robe. "Go ahead then." He pulled his pajama bottoms off and folded them neatly, laying them beneath the flat pillow on the bed, turning to hang up he robe. Given his first look at the broad, sleek body, Blair caught his breath in an audible gasp.

"Like what you see?" the half-taunting, half-mocking tone drew his wide eyes back to Ellison's face as the other man turned back. "How does it make you feel, empath?"

"Hungry." Blair answered with hoarse honesty. "Like a starving man at a buffet."

"That's an interesting way of putting it." Ellison put his hands on his hips and stared down at him, intimidating. "You're still dressed."

"I was distracted." dropping his eyes to the floor, Blair almost reluctantly took off his uniform. He was already barefoot, and nude beneath it.

"No underclothes?" Ellison's face twisted.

"I don't like them."

He waited, still looking at the floor, then blinked when his roommate bent into his line of sight and picked up the uniform. Still not looking, he heard him put it into the recycler and then felt his warmth behind him.

"You've got a tight little ass." the words brushed across his neck, making his skin shiver. "And all that hair..."

Blair thought he was ready, but when the big hands gripped his ass gently and rubbed experimentally he gasped, locking his knees and wrapping his arms around his chest.

"Are you scared?" the voice breathed again, the shiver more pronounced this time.

"Terrified." he answered with all the honesty he possessed.

"Lie down."

The command hadn't been what he was expecting, but he followed it almost gratefully, lying on his belly, burrowing his face under the edge of the pillow. Ellison's weight followed him to the bed, sitting beside him, one hand still stroking his ass.

"My father would disown me for even this much." he said matter-of-factly. "Can you even begin to imagine that?"

"There's nothing I could do that would make my mother not love me." Blair whispered. "No, I can't."

"Tell me how I feel, little empath. I can see how you feel- it and smell it and touch it and taste it. Tell me how I feel."

"I - I can't. My shields are too high."

"Then bring them down."

The quiet order brought a flush to his tanned skin, and he flipped himself over, barely noticing that the new position brought Ellison's hand to right above his half-erect cock.

"You don't know what you're asking. If I - If I drop my shields, you could...you could really hurt me."

"Why would I do that?"

"Even if you didn't do it on purpose..."

The big hand, which had been hovering, finally settled - on his thigh, not his shrinking cock.

"Tell me how I feel, Sandburg." Ellison's voice dropped and Blair looked into his face for the first time since he undressed.

The aristocratic features were tight with worry, the icey blue eyes bright. Blair lifted a hand and ran a finger along the strong line of jaw.

"Everything is - mixed up inside me. I've never felt like this before, and I don't like it. If you tell me - what you're getting - then maybe I'll understand."

"Alright." Blair agreed softly, spreading his hand and pressing it to Ellison's cheek, seeing the real fear and honest need in his eyes. "Alright."

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His shields were so high and strong around this man that it took a conscious effort on his part to bring them down.

His mother, Naomi, had described it to him when he was little and just learning to control his talent.

"Think of a rose, baby boy." she had said, her four-year-old son on her lap, his curly hair already to his shoulders, tangled from a day spent playing outdoors. He had been warm and grubby and tired; all of those sensations now brought a wash of memory - safety, warmth, her surrounding love.

"Think of a rose, just ready to bloom. First the outside petals peel away, and then the next layer, and the next, until you get to the sweetest part in the center. Most people will like the rose at the very beginning, with just the first few petals away, and that's what you should show most people. But some people - me, your uncles, and whoever you love - they get to see all the way to the inside, so you can feel them all the way to the your heart."

Now Blair mentally envisioned his rose -- slender, cream-colored with smooth edges of mauve, the prettiest rose in his mother's garden - and began peeling back the petals, until he held a full bloom, wide and open and vulnerable in its beauty.

Like himself.

When he opened his eyes again, they were clouded with emotion, his own and that of the man beside him.

"You're frightened." he whispered hoarsely. "Unhappy. But hungry, too, the way I am. And lonely..." his voice trailed off as his throat tightened with tears. "So lonely. I've never felt anything so sad."

"Lonely?" Ellison's smirk mocked him. "That's what you think I'm feeling? I've always been alone, empath. Tell me something I don't know."

"You want me. I can feel it, it smothers me, your need. You need someone... anyone. Anyone who can touch that place inside you no one has ever been."

"That sounds more like poetry than empathy." Now Ellison laughed softly, not unkindly. "Well, that's what I get for asking." he half-turned, seeming ready to walk away. Reaching out a trembling hand, his whole body shaking with the torrent of emotions he was drowning in, Blair stopped him with just a touch.

"You call to me. Everything in you yearns to touch me, to hold me, to protect me. That's what the bonding is. If you turn away you'll shut down, and that will be the end to it. I'll drown under the weight of your wanting and we'll both be doomed."

"I've never believed in empathy." the man turned back to him, his eyes clouded by unreadable emotion. "Now here you are, telling me I'm feeling things I don't feel. Why should I listen to you?"

Their eyes met, and held. Again.

"You don't feel it because you won't let yourself." Sandburg said at last. He gestured with his free hand. "But here I am, in your bed, and you brought me here. Your body knows what your mind won't admit."

"What's that?" Ellison swayed, leaning closer, almost as if he was dreaming. Pushing himself up off the bed with an elbow, Sandburg rose until their faces were inches apart.

"You want me. You need me. I will be your Guide."

"Oh God."

The words were hissed from Ellison's lips as they opened. His arms came up and clutched Blair's shoulders, brutally tight, and yanked his body close as the sweet mouth opened to invite him in.

He had never tasted anything the way he tasted this man. Saliva, skin, the slick warmth of his tongue - it was all just the trimmings, the decorations, that hid the taste. Not sweet, not spicy, not really anything. A flavor that wasn't, and then a scent to match.

A groan rose from deep in his chest, shoved out by his heart and Ellison moved swiftly, gracefully, forcing the smaller body down and then deep into the bed as he covered it completely with his own.

Soft heat, sudden warmth, the sensation shocked him as slender hands closed none-too-gently on his back and the fingers dug in.

Nostrils flaring wide as he struggled for air, hands gripping the smooth sleek back, trying desperately to anchor himself in this reality, Blair felt his mind spinning out of control. He'd gotten too close, let his shields down too far. All that was his-- emotions, reactions, worries and fears - was being swept away by the wave of lust, of need, that emanated from the man that crushed him to the bed.

Unbelievably, that wave washed up on the shore of his mind and met a kindred spirit.

Was this the way it was supposed to be?

He had no idea, earthly or otherwise.

All he knew was that it was out of his control. From the moment Ellison had touched him, this had become fate. Releasing the last piece of himself, he didn't watch as it drifted away. His heart and mind were too busy swallowing everything that was Ellison to worry about it.

And there were minor practical considerations as well.

Hands on his waist, at his groin, touching him intimately. Making his body ripple with need. Need only Ellison could sooth.

There was a heartbeat thundering in his ears, and it wasn't his own.

There were breaths being taken, but they weren't inflating his lungs.

There was a voice moaning faintly, and it wasn't his.

Moaning?

Tearing himself away, lifting his body slightly off the smaller one beneath it, Ellison stared down at Sandburg. If he'd been shocked before, now he was stunned.

The younger man's face was glowing. Energy poured from him with total abandon. The blue eyes were gone, replaced by pools of india ink, the lush mouth was swollen and puffy, bruised at the edges, tiny hints of purple marking the borders of their first kiss.

"Sandburg..." hearing his own voice, so thick and hoarse, shook him further.

This was just sex. Just sex.

Sex that would have him banished from his home, cast out by his family, imprisoned if he set foot on his world again...

...to touch a man.

To touch one.

The inky pools rolled to look up at him, unfocused, dazed, and the body beneath his moved convulsively, arching toward him, pleading silently.

It didn't matter.

None of that mattered.

All that mattered was this sudden extension of himself, this other being that was now a part of him...his heart was in that man's chest and that man's heart beat in his.

"It's just sex." Jim said roughly, growling, hands reaching to haul that body up to his, one yanking its way through the tight braid, tearing free arm-long strands until it all came loose, falling around them in a wash of brown silk. Sandburg whimpered and reached for him, pulled himself closer, clung to him with a not-inconsiderable strength.

When that moment came, the one that would define his life, Blair knew he should be aware of it. Should mark it in his memory, to savor and study for years to come.

But when it came, he wasn't quite himself.

Ellison had taken up residence in his soul, emptying his mind, the way the Sentinel's big body took its place in Blair's smaller one; welcome despite the pain. There was just enough of Blair Sandburg left to realize that this was that moment... and nothing left to grieve its undignified passing.

Pain woke him. Mild pain and the sensation of being completely, utterly satisfied.

He'd never felt this content before.

Without opening his eyes, Blair realized that these were not completely his emotions. The pain, yes, that was his. His insides ached from the uncareful intercourse, and one arm was going to sleep beneath the weight of Ellison's body, wrapped awkwardly beneath a broad shoulder.

But the satiation, the satisfaction...although Blair did indeed feel fulfilled and pleasantly exhausted, perhaps even content, the extremes of this were coming directly from the big man that held him.

Jim held him. Was holding him. Tight to his chest, Blair's face pressed into the bend of his neck, right where it met his shoulder.

It felt like sleeping on a moderately hard sun-warmed boulder.

With a wiggle Blair tried to regain his freedom, intending a trip to the john, but Jim's arms tightened around him.

"Ellison. Jim. Look, man, I need to get up and do something about this mess or I'll end up being forced to have my chest hair removed. I had to do it once before, an unplanned complication of a lovemaking session that involved chewing gum...lieutenant? Lieutenant?" Worried when Jim didn't respond to his escape attempt or make some comment about how they had spent the last few hours, he shook the broad shoulders gently. "Jim."

The blue eyes blinked open very suddenly and Blair stiffened. A wave of emotion crashed over him as they focussed and Lieutenant Ellison stared at him with an expression that, as horrified and disgusted as it was, didn't convey a tenth of the feelings Blair was drowning in.

Hatred, disgust, actual nausea...practically throwing the smaller man from the bed, Ellison leapt for the bathroom, from which sounds of agonized retching soon issued.

Wincing slightly on impact, Blair lay prone on the floor for long minutes, face down, his hands absently smoothing the ruffled fibers as his mind struggled to shut itself, only to find that it could not.

So this is how it works, he thought idly. I wonder if I'm in his head too? In a rare moment of cruelty he wished it were so, wanting Ellison to feel the agony that was making his empathic mind writhe.

When the vomiting stopped and the shower began to run, he crawled off the floor, using the bed for leverage, pulled on his neatly folded uniform, and left the cabin.

Left Ellison. Left his heart.

Left most of his mind as well.

His shields had been down too far. Completely open, painfully vulnerable, he had sucked in all of the filth and evil Ellison's mind had spewed in those first few moments of awareness and now they were overwhelming him. It was all he could feel, his own emotions buried so deeply beneath it that he knew he would never find them again.

"oh, god." stumbling, he lurched sideways into the corridor wall, hands tearing at his hair.

He would never feel anything else again! The psi centers of his mind were burned out, overloaded...

Never again would he feel the contentment of just holding another being close. Or the spike of arousal, doubled and given back to him when it was returned.

Or his mother's love, which had strengthened and sustained him during hard times before. That first year at the academy, fighting for as much freedom as the strict military structure would allow...his hair, the earrings, the arrangement of sympathetic roommates...

Pushing himself off the wall, one hand still in his hair, he forced himself to take a deep breath. In the back of his mind he could feel the connection to Ellison, as if it were brand new, healthy and whole.

And everything Ellison was feeling now, as he left the shower and returned to his bedroom.

Guilt and worry and more hatred, this time directed at himself. The burden of it, added to what Blair had already absorbed, almost drove him to his knees. When he reached his goal - not knowing it until he got there - he slammed a hand onto the doorchime and slid slowly down it, fighting to stay on his feet but with no more strength to do so.

The door slid open and he tumbled the rest of the way, falling halfway into the room, at the feet of his astonished friends.

"Blair!" Harry's shout rang in his ears and Blair winced. Finally giving in to the turmoil in his head, he curled tightly in on himself and collapsed into unconsciousness.

The next waking was better, if a little blurry.

Once again, he was warm, but this time there were two hard bodies pressed to his.

Ellison also slept, his dreams filled with pain and rejection and loss. Blair shuddered, the movement bringing attention from the men that sheltered him.

"Blair?" Harry's voice, tight with worry. "Are you okay?"

"We didn't know what to do, so Harry said we should hold you." Tom offered.

Opening his eyes, finding the lights turned on low, Blair saw that he was being cradled between their bodies, in their bed. Tom was spooned around behind him and Harry faced him, arms around his waist, from the front.

He was still wearing his uniform, and he stank of sex and sweat.

"I'm...better." he said at last, closing his eyes again. With Ellison asleep the barrage of emotion had slowed to a trickle.

"What happened? Did Ellison kick you out?"

"Not exactly. He - he asked me to his bed first." the words were easier to say than he'd thought they would be. His friends drew in identical sharp breaths. "But afterwards he decided that he'd made a mistake. And then I found out that I can't unmake it." his voice broke on the last sentence and a sob escaped.

"Shh." Harry reached up to pet a hand through his tangled hair. "It's okay. You're safe here."

"I can't shut it off." Blair said, a little bit desperately. "I can't get him out of my head."

"Maybe you just need some time." Tom soothed from behind him. "Close your eyes, go back to sleep. Feel what Harry and I are feeling. Let yourself feel our love."

"I can't." quiet, frantic words repeated themselves almost of their own volition. "I can't. I can't. It's all in my head and I can't feel anything else!"

He missed the worried looks his friends exchanged over his shoulder.

"Just rest." Harry said, speaking sweetly. "Rest, Blair. Breath deeply. We're here. We'll protect you."

"You're safe here. Those are only emotions." Tom began rubbing warm, gentle circles on his back. "They can't really hurt you. Remember that they aren't yours and they won't be able to hurt you."

Alternating in low, calm voices, Sandburg's friends soothed him back to sleep. Just before he dozed off he thought he felt just a touch of their love, swirling at the edges of his crowded mind, seeking entrance he was unable to give. But he wanted to, so badly.

"Computer, locate Ensign Sandburg." although the tone was long-suffering, the captain's face was tight with anger.

"Ensign Sandburg is in Holodeck Three." the neutral voice answered cooly.

"He must have left his communicator in his quarters." Chakotay's low voice came from just behind her ear. They were all a little crowded, there just wasn't much room in the juncture of Jeffrey tubes 21b, 19a and 2k. But did the first officer have to stand quite so close?

Dismissing the thought, Janeway turned her head to speak to Harry, wedged in at her side. He had been working here with Ellison, trying to use the Sentinel's amazing senses to track down the small rodent-type creatures that were threatening to invade the ship. As best they could figure several of them had been brought back with their last shipment of supplies from a eden-like garden planet. An eden planet that turned out to be relentlessly protected by a bizarre traveling energy band that sped from the surface and rocked the ship with its blast, forcing them to flee, an emergency transport snatching the away team and hard-won groceries.

With no chance to run any of it through the biofilters. On the emergency override setting the infant rodents -- which the crew had immediately dubbed 'hephalumps' - had gotten onboard, and then, in the whirlwind of repairs that followed, escaped into the Jeffries tube system and the rest of the ship.

Listening to their tiny little double heartbeats, Ellison had located five of them so far, and they had been examined and caged in Neelix's hydroponics lab, where they could be fed on vegetable scraps and watched. Bets had been taken on how big they would get and many of the crew were looking forward to having fresh meat for meals.

And they ate leola root.

"Go get him, Mr.Kim." she said sternly. "Sandburg has been shirking his duties with Ellison long enough

"Captain..." a note of deferential protest echoed in Kim's quiet voice. "It's a little more complicated than that."

Staring down at the zoned Sentinel - untouchable, unreachable - Janeway snarled a response.

"Well this is a damn fine time for me to hear about it." Her face was tight with anger, but her voice softened as she continued. "I know that Sandburg is your friend, Harry. But you need to inform me when there's a problem that can affect my crew."

"I'll get him, captain." Eyes on the floor, he left quickly, ducking through the claustrophobic tubes.

"His respirations are slowing, captain." Chakotay spoke quietly a few minutes later. "Perhaps we should transfer him to sickbay?"

"Do it."

"Chakotay to Sickbay. Emergency transport requested, this location. Three people."

"Stand by." The reply came quickly, and they both felt the tug as a transporter beam glimmered around them.

As soon as they materialized in sickbay the doctor began working over Ellison and a frustrated Janeway contacted Kim.

"Janeway to Ensign Kim. Have you located Mr.Sandburg?"

"We're on our way, sir. ETA two minutes." the holodeck wasn't far from sickbay.

"Shall I try to revive him, captain?" the doctor asked, his holographic face creased with displeasure.

"We'll wait for Sandburg, give him a chance."

"He's never been this deep before." Chakotay studied the readouts above the biobed. "What if even Sandburg can't reach him?"

"Then the doctor will have his turn." Crossing her arms over her chest, Janeway stepped away from the first officer. There was plenty of room here, no reason to hover.

She was watching the door when Kim came in. He was walking half-turned, both hands on Sandburg's arms, literally pulling him into the room. It was immediately clear that the xenothropologist was terrified, so she stepped up to reassure him. Her anger at his recent behavior eased.

"Ensign Sandburg - relax. You're not in trouble here. We just need you to get Ellison back and then we'll all talk about whatever problem you two are having.

Harry's eyes went wide and he tried to maneuver the other man around her, but she reached out and caught Sandburg's arm.

"Ensign?"

"C-captain." he nodded vaguely, but his eyes were glued to the Sentinel on the biobed. Fear and pain distorted his pretty features.

"He just needs to get to Ellison, captain." Harry said, and everyone in the room heard the tinge of desperation in his voice.

"Well, then, Kim, let him." stepping away again, Janeway came up against the hard bulk of Chakotay's body, his hand on her arm steadying her when she would have stumbled, and she sighed deeply.

"Easy there, captain." his deep voice breathed into her ear.

"I'm fine, thank you, Commander." Putting some small distance between them yet again, she turned her attention back to the biobed, realizing that she'd missed the initial confrontation between the Sentinel and his pseudo-Guide.

Her eyes widened.

Sandburg was lying on the bed next to Ellison. No, he was actually lying on Ellison. The doctor looked perturbed at this, but Kim was standing between him and the bed.

Sandburg wasn't speaking. His eyes were closed, the heavy rope of his hair trailing across Ellison's uniform. One hand was curled up beneath his own chin and the other was stroking lightly over the bigger man's cheek.

"Kim!" she hissed, trying to keep her voice down. He took a couple of steps toward her, trying futilely to keep himself between the doctor and the bed and Janeway and the bed.

The door hissed open behind them and Tom's voice broke the silence, lower and more worried than they'd heard it before.

"Harry? I left Blair in the holodeck and the computer said you were here..."

"He's coming back." Harry said the words quietly, but the tension didn't leave his face.

Without a word Tom moved past Janeway and Chak, moved fast, arms reaching out. His timing was just about perfect, he got there just as Ellison's eyes flew open and a roar of rage erupted from him.

Effortlessly he threw the young ensign off the bed, away from him, sitting up and wrapping his arms around himself defensively as he did so.

With a lunge Tom caught Sandburg, keeping him from landing on his head on the floor, while Chakotay and the doctor pushed past Harry to grab for Ellison.

"NO - N0 - NO!" Sandburg shouted, but it wasn't clear who he was yelling at. Harry joined Tom, the two of them supporting the sagging man between them, while he clutched his head and pulled at his hair and moaned, a ragged, desperate sound.

Restraining Ellison between them, the first officer and the doctor quickly realized that the man wasn't fighting them, he was trying to curl into a ball, the low sounds he was making an eerie echo of Sandburg's moans.

"We have to separate them, captain." Tom said, a little frantically. "He can't take this level of exposure!"

"What the hell is going on?!" the action had happened so quickly that Janeway hadn't had a chance to join in, but now she got up there between both factions and grabbed Tom's arm, fingers digging in deeply.

"I can't explain right now -" the pilot spoke frantically. Harry chimed in, little calmer.

"It's complicated sir, please just let us take him out of here..."

Changing concerns as easily as he changed names, the doctor left the quiescent Ellison to Chakotay's tender mercies and swung around to Sandburg, tricorder whirring.

"I recommend you allow it, captain," he said in his mildly sarcastic tone. "Mr.Sandburg is evidencing symptoms of a neuropsychic seizure. Such seizures are most often seen in Betazoids, but can be found in the history of all empathic species -" he cut himself off as Kathryn focused a glare on him. "They're caused by an empathic overload. If Ellison is the source

then removing him should end the seizure." he snapped his mouth shut as he finished abruptly.

"Take him." Janeway gestured. "I'll be around to see you..." she paused, glancing at Chakotay, who was basically holding Ellison now, the embrace more comforting than restraining, "- at 1800 hours."

"Yes, captain." Kim said thankfully, already beginning to drag Sandburg toward the doors. A limp weight, the other ensign was no help, so Tom picked him up with a grunt and carried him. As they passed through the door she could hear them whispering.

"Here, let me help, Tom, I'll get his feet..."

"No, let me show off for you this once..." the words were right, but the teasing edge was missing from Tom's voice.

Janeway turned to her first officer.

"I don't think he's going anywhere, Chakotay."

Ruefully he lay Ellison back on the bed. She patted his broad shoulder absently as she approached.

"Lt Ellison. Can you hear me?"

"Whether I want to or not." came the pained, defeated response. He didn't open his eyes, though his hands opened and closed convulsively as they covered his face.

"Tell me what's going on, Jim. I can't help you - I can't help Blair - unless I know what the problem is."

A tiny, mute shake of his head.

"I can order you to explain." the threat in her voice was real, she couldn't let this situation continue without resolution.

"Can't." the word was low and harsh. "Can't turn it off. Too loud, too bright, too strong..."

"He's describing a critical stage zone, captain." the doctor came up behind her. "Frankly I'm surprised he recovered from it at all."

"It was Sandburg. It must have been." Chakotay said from the other side of the bed. "They must be close to bonding."

"Noooooo!" Ellison's wail tore into their ears, and apparently his own, because he clutched at them and moaned deeply with pain. Immediately the doctor was checking him over.

"I'm detecting strong physical evidence of a bond," he said, voice still casual and calm. "The neural pathways to the Lysinski organ are all fully engaged." Giving the captain an apologetic glance, he explained further. "That's the specialized area of a Sentinel brain that sorts sensory information. A normal brain would be drowned by the amount of data a Sentinel gathers. However, an unbonded Sentinel doesn't fully utilize the organ, which causes the lesser abilities and the huge jump in sensory detection after bonding, which causes the Lysinski to expand to its full size. At least a quarter of the newly released area is normally dedicated to storing information about the Guide."

Ellison moaned again and the doctor turned away from the captain, who was staring with slightly glazed eyes, and ran his tricorder over the man again.

"That's the cause of the critical zone." His voice dropped to almost a whisper, more reverent. "Eventually the organ expands in spite of the lack of a Guide. It begins pulling in information to fill the space and the data spills over without the regulating baseline of the Guide - causing a critical zone."

"So he hasn't got much longer." Chakotay's voice was hushed.

"I can stabilize him with a dose of Serdon, but, as we know, that's only a stopgap measure." Laying a hand on Ellison's shoulder, prompting a shudder from the man, he faced the captain squarely. "It will give him maybe 24 hours."

"That will give us time to come up with a solution. Give him the Serdon and then start working on the cryogenic chamber. I'll speak to Sandburg this evening, after everyone's had a chance to calm down."

"Aye-aye, captain." the doctor said, with only a hint of sarcasm."

"Chakotay?" turning to him, she sought his silent support.

"I have several things scheduled for this morning. I'll meet you for lunch?"

"That will do."

With no more to say, the captain left sickbay.

"Blair? Hey, Sandburg - can you hear me?"

"I don't think he's conscious, Harry."

"I feel like we should do something, Tom, but I don't know what." The worry in Harry's rich voice prompted a response from his barely-there friend.

"I'm awake." Drawing in a huge, shuddering breath, Blair blinked his eyes several times, getting nanosecond snapshots of two worried faces bent over him.

"How do you feel?" Harry blurted, hands roving over him with random light touches, torn between concern and comfort.

"Are you okay?" Tom just stared steadily, hands pressing into the bed beside him.

"I hurt. Where's Ellison?" Finally propping his eyes open, Blair sat up slowly. He was on their bed, in their quarters. He'd only slept here that first night, taking the sofa in the second room the rest of his time here. Grasping his shoulders gently, Tom pressed him back to the bed.

"He's in sickbay. He's okay. Captain Janeway will come by to talk to you later."

"She's pissed, huh." Closing his eyes on a groan, Blair allowed himself to be lay back down. Above him his friends exchanged a glance.

"Pissed?"

"Angry enough to pee." The explanation ended on a gasp and his sturdy body twisted on the bed suddenly. "Oh, Oh gods, it hurts."

"What can we do? What's wrong?" Sounding frantic, Harry petted and patted him while Tom hovered anxiously.

"He's hurting - I can't turn it off, I can't break the link." another moan, and he curled over on his side, arms wrapped around himself, unconsciously mimicking Ellison's posture decks away. "Harry..." a long, deep moan. "Make it stop."

"I can't, Blair. I don't know what to do!" Panicking, the oriental man stared at his lover across the bed. Responding to Kim's expression, Tom tugged at him, encouraging him down onto the bed.

"Hold him, Harry. We can try to block it out like we did before."

"It won't be enough." Blair gasped desperately. "It can't be enough!"

"I have an idea." Harry's voice changed. Stepping away from the bed, he began stripping efficiently out of his uniform while Tom watched. The pilot's eyes grew round and wide, but other parts of him grew as well in response to his lover's nudity.

"You want to - ?" Still staring, Tom's hands crept to the sealed slit of his own uniform. "Um, Har?"

"Not with him, Tom." Climbing back onto the bed with only a blush to indicate this wasn't normal behavior for him, Harry began unfastening Blair's uniform as well. "He can't anyhow, not anymore. With anyone but Ellison." "Uh-huh." Still unsure, Tom stripped more slowly. "So we're gonna." "Yeah." Rolling his unprotesting friend over, Harry wrestled the uniform off his taut body. "It's the way we love each other, Tom. It's strong enough to block what he's getting from Ellison."

He paused, dropping the uniform to the floor beside the bed and spooning up behind Blair, who moaned feebly, too much of him involved in Ellison's pain for him to be truly aware of what the other two were doing.

"Harry, you know I love you." Now nude, Tom paused beside the bed, running his fingers down the smooth muscular brown curve of his lover's back, stopping just at the swell of his ass. "But are you sure about this?"

Looking at him over his shoulder, Harry smiled seductively.

"I know the circumstances are odd, lover, but I'm always sure that loving you is the right thing to do."

Pleased by the response, blushing faintly - it was far more obvious on his pale skin than it had been on Harry's - Tom crawled into the bed and curled around him.

He wrapped his arms around Harry's chest, one hand automatically going to tease a flat brown nipple, and nuzzled the back of the strong brown neck, up under the ends of Harry's short silky hair, where he smelled the sweetest.

"Mmm." Harry encouraged him with a wiggle and a slight push backwards.

"I know, you like that." Tom whispered. Then he spoke up a little louder. "Computer. One-fourth illumination, and Rachmaninoff Z78I at level three."

Immediately the room dimmed and the sad, sweet strains of a piano concerto filled the air.

"That's nice." Harry sighed. For just a moment he forgot about the tense body in his arms and just enjoyed Tom's gentle caresses. "I want you to take me," he said with a deeper sigh.

"All in good time, amour." Murmuring, Tom bit at his neck tenderly, sucking lightly on patches of salty-sweet skin. "Are we getting any reaction here?"

"I think he's relaxed a bit." Pulling away from Tom, Harry rose on an elbow to study Blair's face, which was, indeed, eased from it's previous grimace. He was still breathing in short, harsh gasps, but they were quieter now.

"If this doesn't work I'm going to be very embarrassed." Tom warned, tugging his lover back down to hold him more tightly. One pale, slender hand slipped around and brushed the heavy braid of Sandburg's hair, which was pressed to Harry's chest. "Y'know," the pilot continued, lifting the tail of the braid and using it to stroke Harry's cheeks, "I wish you would grow your hair out like this."

"Oh, yeah, Captain Janeway would really go for that. How would I explain it?"

"You could tell her...." Beginning a slow rocking motion with his hips, Tom released the braid and brought both hands to Harry's head, sliding his fingers beneath the thick, silky black cap and gripping his head gently, tiling it back slightly, "...that the man who loves you is dying to see you in nothing else. Just a curtain, a cloud of inky black hair swirling around your glorious naked body..."

"Tom!" Mildly embarrassed by the words, especially under the circumstances, Harry began to move in rhythm with Tom, the bed now rocking slightly with them. Although he was more than ready for his lover, he pulled himself back far enough to check on the friend they were trying to help. Blair lay still, a heavy, warm weight in Harry's arms. But his breathing was even now and the tight curl his body had adopted to fight the pain had eased off. Now he moved on his own, wriggling slightly closer to Harry's body, and sighed loudly enough for the oriental man to hear him.

Slowing his movements, Tom slid his hands from Harry's hair and down his neck and shoulders, to wrap once again around his chest, fingers seeking the erect brown nubs of nipple. The blanket was bunched uncomfortably beneath his hips from their movement, so he stopped and reached a hand to tug it free, Harry joined in to help, and together they kicked it off the bed, leaving them all nude and exposed.

Experimentally, Tom reached around Harry and brushed his hand ever-so-lightly over Blair's groin, and felt only softness and the crinkle of curly hair.

"I guess you're right." he whispered into Harry's ear as his lover grasped his wrist and pulled it back gently. "Ellison really is the only one for him now."

"It's biological." Harry whispered back. Their arousal was banked, for the moment, as the strangeness of the situation began to really sink in. "Once he opened himself to Ellison and Ellison initiated the bond, he couldn't stop it. Now all of those parts of his brain are centered on that asshole."

Startled to hear his normally stoic mate swear, Tom decided that a change of topic was in order.

Letting Harry retain his grip on the trapped wrist, Tom slid it between the two bodies in front of him, Blair and Harry's, where he found Harry partially erect. That changed as soon as he closed his fingers around the sturdy shaft and began stroking.

Whatever the circumstances, Harry would always respond to Tom's touch. In a few minutes he was panting, head laid back on Tom's shoulder, cock stiff and full in Tom's hand.

"I want - want you in me, Tom. I - I think -"

"Tell me, Harry. Tell me what you want, baby."

It was clear that his gentle lover was embarrassed by this.

"I think - that's what he needs. It might - it might - replace what Ellison did, in his head."

"Or at least block the pain long enough for him to rest." Tom agreed, the fingers of his free hand slipping along the crease of Harry's ass, seeking the welcome there.

"Yeah - mmm, oh yeah." Thrusting back toward him Harry made his desire plain.

There was pain, and there was more pain. It burned behind his closed eyelids and bounced along over-sensitized nerve endings as Ellison's pain became Sandburg's - relentlessly, implacably.

But it was easing. He didn't know why and he didn't care. New emotions, new sensations were slipping in, flowing through the jagged hole that his mental shield had become.

Affection and desire and tenderness and joy. Lust and life. Love.

All of them crept in and surrounded the pain, clouded it, smothered it until it was barely an ember of its former self.

"Yergh..." Dragging in a huge breath, Blair's eyes shot open. It was like being reborn.

He felt the warmth behind him, the strong arms that held him, smelled the thick scent of sex in the air.

"Tom - oh Tom - oh love -" Harry was panting and moaning between gasped words. He rocked the bed harder with his movements as he sought to prolong the sensation his lover was causing in his lithe body.

"Yes, that's it, that's it, Harry-m'love, give it to me, come on, let it go..." Rough and raw, Tom's voice brought a new level of blissful anguish to Harry's now-wordless moans.

Holding still, gratefully soaking up every scrap of positive feeling, Blair knew Harry was going to come before the man himself did. So the burst of wet heat against his back, repeated several times as Tom's hand pumped his lover's cock, wasn't a surprise to the suffering empath.

But Tom's roar certainly was.

They all lay still for a very long time. Then Blair gently loosened Harry's embrace and turned over.

His friend was blushing hot and red and wouldn't look him in the eye.

"Thank you. Both of you." Leaning forward, Blair kissed the other ensign's forehead chastely. Tom reached to stroke his curly brown head and he smiled wanly. "I feel much better."

"You should try to sleep." Tom spoke as if to a child. "Rest until the captain gets here."

"We'll stay with you as long as you need." Harry added, finally meeting the tired blue eyes.

"I think - maybe - I can sleep, with both of you here." Almost shyly the empath accepted their offer.

"We're not going anywhere." Tom assured him in a hushed voice.

The slow, sad music continued to float into the room. His face drawn and tight and pale, Blair turned back over and allowed Harry to pull him close again.

Clouding his pain with his friends' love, he managed to doze off and sleep restlessly while, decks below, Jim Ellison struggled toward a temporary drug-induced control.

It wouldn't last long, so the Sentinel knew he would have to make it long enough.

To do what had to be done.

"That is unacceptable, Lieutenant!" Driven to a shout, Captain Janeway stands herself firmly before the sickbay door. "I've given you a direct order. The cryochamber or Sandburg. You must choose."

Wobbling, barely able to remain on his feet, the Sentinel somehow managed to be threatening. The doctor, looking perturbed, joined Janeway in front of the door.

"There's no religious imperative here." the captain continued. "There's no good reason for you to continue to deny the bond. I would think you'd be happy, Ellison. After decades of looking, you have found your Guide!"

Ellison waved a hand angrily, the movement endangering his precarious balance. He stumbled, but recovered without assistance, snarling at the doctor when he moved closer.

"NO. Not him. Not that. I want - I want to go home again. I have a home, a brother..."

"You can't go home if you're dead." speaking up and ignoring the captain's disapproving look, the doctor held a hypospray tightly. "I cannot guarantee that you will survive in stasis. Or even that the engines will continued produce enough energy to maintain it."

"Better to die nobly than to sell my soul." Swaying visibly, the Sentinel struggled for breath. "Just let me - get a few things. Give me more Serdon, I can make it to my quarters and back."

"And what about Sandburg? He took this assignment at my request, he tried to help you. Did everything he could for you. How will this repay him?"

"It will free him."

The doctor shook his head at this.

"There's no proof of that. His shields are damaged, the damage is probably permanent. You've imprinted on him - without your emotions to feed off of he'll be psychically crippled."

"But he'll be alive. And able to find someone else to love him. Someone who can." The last words are filled with sadness and pain. The man turned the full force of his bleared gaze on the captain. "Please. You don't understand. This - this is all I can do now." He paused and swayed alarmingly. Her hand came out to support him but he took one step, just enough to get away from it. "I told you - told you...you should have let me die."

"That has never been an option." Withdrawing her hand, Janeway watched as Ellison fought to remain upright. "Alright, lieutenant. You win. The doctor will give you the second dose of Serdon, and you may go to your quarters to prepare for the cryochamber. I wish we had the power to spare for a long-term stasis unit..."

"This will be enough, captain." He was relieved, sounded grateful. "Thank you."

The hypospray only took a few minutes, and then he was walking out the door, steady and strong-looking.

Behind him the captain and doctor exchanged glances.

"Monitor him." she said.

"Aye, captain."

Leaving sickbay with an incredible sense of failure, Janeway sought out her first officer. It was a little early for their appointment with Sandburg, but she needed to talk to him right away.

It wasn't fair to allow Ellison to decide this for both of them. Imagining being deaf and blind and mute, she could just barely get an impression of what it would be like for the xenothropologist - an empath since conception, aware of emotions even before his birth - to live without his abilities.

He should try to speak to Ellison one more time. Perhaps there was still a way to salvage this. Or even get an extension...

{She's not going to let this go.} The thought rang through Ellison's head. He knew the captain, knew her reputation well enough to know that she wouldn't give in this easily. She had a plan, an alternative. And he had no doubt that it included Sandburg. {I can finish this. Stop it. End it for everyone.}

He'd reached his quarters. The door slid open and the first thing he was aware of was the scent of sex that still hung in the air, weeks after that shattering encounter with the man who would be his Guide. Voyager's air-filtering system was state-of-the- art, every molecule scrubbed clean before being re-released into the ship...but he could still smell it. Even after recycling every piece of cloth and doing the carpet himself.

Not again. Never again.

Just imagining the disgust on his father's face, the pity on his brother's....

Better to die unbonded than to bond with a man.

{There's no future in it.} he rationalized as he crossed to the small chest that held his personal belongings, opening a drawer and pulling out a small black case. {Eventually the drive for children would have me hurting him anyhow, because he can't give them to me. And he would have to be the one to have them.}

The bonded Guide had to give birth to the Sentinel child. Otherwise the Sentinel wouldn't be able to bond with the child. And there had to be a child, that was the driving force behind the bonding in the first place. Although it was rare, other Sentinels had bonded with non-compatible species in the past. Eventually the sex became a frenzy as Sentinel instincts drove the Sentinel to reproduce. In the past Sentinels had killed Guides this way, literally fucking them to death, driven by primitive instincts to reproduce. Today's Sentinels had the miracles of modern medicine to save them - almost any two species could reproduce now, with enough medical intervention to make a genetic fusion viable.

{Men can carry children now, too.} His mind suggested silkily. {That could be done. If the bond were completed Sandburg would be to give you a child. He's am empath. Your desire would become his, just as your pain does.}

It wasn't right. It wouldn't work.

Sitting on his bed, Ellison opened the black case. It contained several items, packed carefully in velvet-lined compartments.

A ceremonial knife. His birth plates. A holocube of his family and home.

His grandmother's earrings, meant for his Guide.

And, tucked away in the bottom, beneath the holocube, a vial, wrapped in another scrap of black.

It was illegal, it was immoral, and it was lethal.

He'd bought it on Farpoint Station a decade ago, when he first became aware that he might be one of the unlucky one, that he might never find a Guide. Most Sentinels found one before they were twenty, 90% before thirty.

{I'm nearly forty. Unbonded Sentinels don't live this long.} It was no real honor, he'd decided. To be the oldest unbonded Sentinel ever. According to history, though, it did mean that he had a chance to be the most powerful Sentinel ever, as late bondings tended to be stronger...but even that wouldn't balance the shame and stigma of being bonded to a same-sex Guide.

Once he had dreamed of returning home with a beautiful Guide beside him. Returning home from this mission and entering the Trial, a planet-wide competition for the most powerful Sentinel/Guide pair, the contest that determined the head of the planetary council.

With Blair beside him he might even be strong enough.

With Blair beside him he would no longer be a citizen. He wouldn't even be allowed to compete.

Unwrapping the clear vial with trembling hands, he held it up to the light.

Clear and faintly green, it promised a swift, painless death with no hope of resurrection.

{Is that what I want?}

He studied the poison, pondering the question. Time was short, but he had a little while to consider it.

The doorchime startled all of them, but Blair practically levitated off the bed.

"I'll get it." Tom said, keeping his voice low, not wanting to overstimulate the sensitive empath. He crawled out of the bed and pulled on the casual clothes that were piled on a chair.

"Tom? Harry? We need to speak to Sandburg." Chakotay's voice carried well through walls.

"Give us a minute, sir." Tom answered, stepping into the living room. Behind him Harry also got up and began working on Blair.

"Come on in." Tom opened the door after closing the one to the bedroom, which was seldom used.

"Where's Sandburg?" Janeway entered in front of Chak.

"Um, in the bedroom. We just got him to sleep."

"Well I'm glad he got some rest. I need him to try to reach Ellison one more time, before we put him into cryo."

"I don't think he can do that, sir..." proceeding Blair out of the bedroom, Harry stopped and took the other ensign's arm as Blair stumbled. Awake now, removed from the enveloping embrace of Tom and Harry's love, all of the pain and anguish he'd picked up from Ellison was rising in his mind again.

"Blair." Crossing the room quickly, Janeway took his arm from Harry's gentle grasp and led him to the sofa, sitting beside him, facing him. "Ellison has decided to go into cryofreeze. You know what the chances are of him surviving that for any length of time."

Big blue eyes, round and dark and filled with pain, stared at her, the face around them tight and pale.

"He rejected me." Voice soft, almost apologetic, Blair shrugged. "I can't - I can't take that again." Softer now, the words faint.

"What do you mean, rejected you?" Standing behind him, Chak asked gently. Lying his hands on the broad shoulders, he frowned when Blair flinched away violently.

Mutely Blair turned his head to stare up at him. His mouth opened slightly, but no words came out of it.

When he found himself unable to say anything, his eyes, looking fearful, glanced to Harry, who promptly came to sit on the arm of the couch beside him. Taking Blair's hand, he spoke for him.

"Ellison...Blair opened to him and Ellison gave him a pretty big dose of negative emotions, a couple of weeks ago."

"That's when he moved in here." Tom added.

"Blair can't get control over his empathy now, can't close the link to Ellison. And since all the man feels is bad, Blair can't be around him without drowning in it."

"Opened to him?" Chak leaned closer, only to draw back when Blair cowered away, pressing into Harry's chest.

"He can't control it now, captain. He feels everything Ellison feels, plus the emotions of whoever's around him."

Janeway stared at them for a minute longer, and then scooted over on the couch, putting more distance between herself and the suffering empath. Then she clasped her hands in her lap and spoke in a quiet, serious voice.

"Blair. I know this is private. But I need to know, so I can understand just where Ellison is now; did you have sex with him?"

"yes."

One word, but it changed everything.

"The doctor is wrong." Janeway looked at Chakotay. "They aren't close to bonding - they are bonded."

"Then it's too late for cryo." the first officer agreed, worried.

"Why would he try it?" Speaking to herself, Janeway was thinking it over.

"I'll see him." Blair's words broke the silence cautiously. "I'll try one more time."

"If you do, you know this will be it." Harry spoke to his friend, squeezing his hand tightly.

"I need him now." Blair whispered the words. "As much as he needs me. I can't live without control. And I can't live without my empathy. I don't - don't want to."

"Are you sure?" Tom came to him now, kneeling in front of him, hands on the younger man's knees. "You can stay with Harry and me. We can make you a part of us."

"Tom..." breathing the name, Harry's eyes glowed with love for his generous mate.

"We can love you the way we love each other." Tom finished steadily.

But Blair shook his head. Shaking them off, he stood slowly, Tom rising with him, steadying him.

"Give me an hour - and then check on us." he told Janeway. "We may not survive, but it won't take longer than that to find out."

He accepted a double hug from his friends and a handshake from Janeway. Chakotay didn't offer, finally realizing that there was something about him that was disturbing the empath's unshielded mind.

He had been feeling it since he woke up. The ease of pain, the security of a decision made.

It didn't take a lot of effort to locate the decision in Ellison's orderly mind.

He might have been able to ignore it, to remove himself from it, a few hours ago. Before he'd been re-exposed to the Sentinel. But now the bond was in the process of completing itself, synapses firing, nerves expanding, connections being formed. Blair had been taught the mechanics of his gift from an early age, he knew what it meant to have a permanent connection. He'd had one since birth with his mother, and withdrawing from that even enough to allow himself to leave home had been an effort.

This one was deeper and wider and broader and reached every cell of his overworked brain. Ten times the strength of his mother-bond, a hundred.

If Ellison died, he would die too. In the same pain, with his own added.

The Sentinel, bred to protect, needed to realize that before he unwittingly took this final step for both of them.

It was time.

His hands weren't shaking anymore. His heart wasn't pounding. He could scarcely hear it beating at all.

In fact, he couldn't.

That realization drew him back from what would have been a megazone. One thing he'd always been clear about, at least to himself, was that he didn't want to die in a critical zone; his senses wild, feeding him unimaginable amounts of information as he went insane. He'd read reports, he knew how it happened. First the zone, and then the insanity. The loss of dignity, chained to a biobed as his body fought tide of sensory input, until everything he was had been swallowed by it.

Yes, he would die from it - eventually. And even though he wouldn't be there to see it, to suffer from that humiliation, he didn't want anyone to see him that way.

"It doesn't have to be that way."

The words startled him out of his chair, the vial slipping from spasming fingers as he withdrew again from the edge of that very zone. The Serdon had worn off too quickly, there wasn't much time.

Blair Sandburg stood in the middle of his living room. Hair free, hands on his hips.

Naked as the day he was born.

Half-sitting on the floor where he had landed, Ellison growled at him.

"You don't belong here."

"It's not just your life anymore." the ensign said sadly, taking a few steps toward him. "It's mine. And my sense of self=- preservation won't let me die quietly with you."

He knelt a foot away from the Sentinel, who was shivering now, body aching with need, it's only desire presented to it.

"And I'm betting that you can't let me die either. "Protect the Guide' is the overwhelming imperative for a Sentinel."

"You're not my Guide." Grinding the words out, Ellison didn't move.

"I am. You know I am. It's too late, man. We either live together or die together now."

Leaning forward, going to hands-and-knees, the small empath breathed his scent over the Sentinel's parted lips.

"Your decision. Life with me - or death without."

"I will never forgive you for this." The harsh, angry words were whispered as Ellison reached up and grabbed the smaller man around the waist, pulling him hard against his own larger body.

The vial shimmered green on the carpet only a few inches away.

Opening himself, body and mind, Blair rejoiced in the completion he felt. Never had he imagined that another person could be so entirely a part of his mind, his soul.

Ellison growled, and groaned, and flipped them over, one hand instinctively going to catch Blair's head before it hit the floor. His tongue probed deeply into Blair's mouth, intent on touching and tasting every crevice. Blair arched and moaned beneath him, grinding his body into the larger one above, wrapping arms and legs around Jim and hanging on until they were one being in almost every sense of the word.

Ellison's hands stroked his cock and fondled his balls and dug deep into his hair, holding his head in place as the Sentinel imprinted every taste and scent of his Guide into his brain, which was working overtime to process and absorb this most important knowledge.

Then, when he had Blair writhing and clinging and sobbing with need, he pulled his head back. Panicked, the newly-made Guide gripped his back tighter, fingernails leaving gouges in the smooth skin.

"No - NO! Not this time, Ellison..."

"Just going to get us of the floor, my soul." With one hand on the floor and the other grasping the back of the desk chair, he rose to his feet, Blair still clinging to him. His free hand came around to grip Blair's bare butt, supporting it. "It's more comfortable."

"Ellison?" Worried, frightened, Blair clung tighter, burying his face in the other man's neck. His hair drifted around them both in a cloud of softness.

"It's okay, Blair. I'm not angry anymore. Worried, nervous...but not angry." Lying them both on the bed, his body pressed to the one beneath it, he smiled suddenly, the expression making him look years younger. His hand released it's grip on Blair's butt and came up to stroke his cheek with fingertips, gently, reverently. "I know it won't be easy. But you're a part of me now and I'll kill anyone that tries to herm you. Ever."

"I'm your Guide." awe filled the shaking voice and Blair turned his head to nuzzle the palm of that hand while Jim's other hand began to stroke through his hair.

"Not quite. But not much longer now." Lowering himself for a kiss, Ellison settled between Blair's raised legs. Blair tightened them, his heels digging into the small of the older man's back.

His cock was caught tight between them, hard with need. Jim's was already pressed to his opening, ready to complete the bonding.

"Do we need anything? I don't want to hurt you. I can't." Jim kissed him again, sweetly, soft kisses.

"I'm ready for you." Blair said softly, marveling at the truth of his words. His body had relaxed, was willing to let the intruder in, welcomed it.

"Then here I come."

With a gentle push, he entered the younger man slowly until his balls rested tightly against Blair's ass.

Then he lowered his head and closed his eyes, breath fanning Blair's face.

Words were no longer necessary between them. Never would be again.

Caught in wordless, soul-deep communion, they lay still for a long time. Then Jim raised his head again and used both hands to frame the beautiful face as he kissed it.

His eyes met Blair's. Bright and relaxed, they shone with a love that was fully returned.

"Thank you." whispering the words, he began to move. "Thank you for showing me what this could be. What I could be."

"What we will be." Blair answered, rocking with him. Jim's cock slid within him as easily as it would have in a woman, but tighter and hotter. Jim's fingers traced his face and petted through his hair, making him shiver slightly with the exquisite pleasure of it.

There was no urgency. No rush to completion. No fear or pain or anger.

Only the long, sweet rise of hungry bodies learning each other.

Between their bodies Blair's cock stiffened and he arched and moaned as he came in heavy spurts. Jim stopped his movement, petting him through his orgasm, mildly surprised that Blair had come so quickly, but enjoying the show as he felt his Guide's pleasure echo through the growing link to race along his own nerve endings.

When Blair shuddered and relaxed for the final time, Jim kissed him deeply, tongues wrapped around each other, and began to move again.

Now Blair's hands slid down to his butt, gripping tightly, encouraging him, urging him on with forceful direction and words panted into a close ear as Jim leaned to bite at the smaller man's shoulder.

"Yes, finish it, Jim, make it real, make it last."

"Praise God." Jim moaned, body tightening, cock swelling in the tight passage. Feeling it Blair moaned too, eager to be filled.

"Just a little more...there, you're almost there, I can feel it, it's like you're me..."

"I am!" Jim gasped, thrusting harder now, deeper. "I'm you and you're me and we are one - !"

Clutching the smaller man to him, shuddering mightily, Ellison gave himself over to the coming. Beneath him Blair opened wider, drawing him in deeper, and gave back everything he got.

Breathing wasn't even necessary now. Jim's weight pressing him down was the essence of security, the physical presence of love.

Their minds whirled, histories and life stories being exchanged involuntarily, not that they would have stopped it if they could. Within minutes they knew everything there was to know about each other. Understanding would come with time, for now the information had been traded.

At last Jim lifted his head, and smiled down at his new Guide.

And Blair smiled back, all the radiant brilliance of his love there to be seen by anyone. With the bond came the return of his control, and, after a moment, he sighed and pressed a kiss to Ellison's neck.

"They're coming. The Captain and Chakotay."

"That's okay. I can deal with anything now. I have you beside me." Ellison's voice was filled with wonder as he tested the new connection, sent emotions and thoughts along it at lightspeed, received answers just as fast.

"Mmmm." Snuggling closer, Blair closed his eyes again. "I never expected this."

"I never understood it." Ellison rolled to his side, taking the younger man with him, kissing the top of his head. "Never knew what it meant to be bonded. I would have never rejected you if I had known."

"I know."

"We're about to be interrupted." Jim smiled down at him, and Blair smiled back again, sleepy now.

"You take care of it." He suggested, his mind sending images of himself, curled in Jim's bed, warm and snuggly and waiting for Jim's return.

"I don't think they'll go for it." Jim replied with a vision of the bedroom filled with people, the doctor brandishing his hypospray and Chakotay towering over Blair with a frown on his face.

That woke Blair up. Grumbling mentally, he pulled away from Jim and his feet hit the floor.

"I suppose we should get dressed."

"Yeah, I'm afraid so. But then I can spend the rest of the night undressing you again." Lying flat on the bed, Jim kissed the curve of Blair's ass.

"I think I'm going to like this." smiling over his shoulder, Blair licked his lips.

"I'm glad, because there's no turning back now." With another kiss Jim stood as well and they prepared themselves for the committee that was headed their way.

~ fini ~