Askew

"You better get your act together before tonight, AJ! We can’t take anymore shit from you!"

The door slammed and the dressing room shook.

AJ stood silent, shocked. Behind him, Brian exchanged glances with Howie while Nick took several steps back. He’d been in on the horseplay, too, it hadn’t been all AJ. Kevin’s rage had been unjustified, but now he didn’t want to catch the backlash.

AJ just stood there. Finally he sighed, and ran a tense hand through his stiff blond hair, ducking his head for a minute before looking back at them.

Nick vanished into a toilet stall.

Brian tried a hesitant smile.

Howie was glowering. But he came up to AJ and touched his shoulder, then turned the touch into a hug.

"You okay?"

AJ laughed shakily. "Yeah. I think so. No blood, see?" he gestured at himself. Howie made a little show of checking for wounds. It got another wobbly laugh.

"Alex, I’m sorry, I don’t know what -" Brian came to him then, words on his lips AJ didn’t want to hear.

"Don’t you apologize for him, Brian! He’s your cousin, yeah, but right now he’s just an asshole with an ego the size of Titanic. It’s not your damned fault he hates me, so *don’t* apologize for him."

"He doesn’t hate you," Brian said softly, with a shrug that still looked apologetic. AJ answered it with his own patented movement of disdain.

"He sure the fuck don’t like me."

"He’ll get over it. It’ll just take time." Brian was looking to Howie for help, but AJ could tell by the gleam in Howie’s eyes that he wasn’t going to get it. This time it looked like Howie was the one that wanted to rip Kevin a new one.

"Let’s just go back to the hotel. I want to go out, I want to dance, without a gazillion people watching me." AJ stepped away from Howie and went past Brian. He knocked on the door of the bathroom stall as he passed. "It’s safe to come out now, Kaos," he called on his way

to the showers.

They didn’t see Kevin at the hotel. It wasn’t until they gathered in the lobby, waiting for the limo, that he appeared. His face was set and tight, he didn’t look at AJ or even the other guys. He was dressed to party, but somehow didn’t seem to be in the partying mood.

He ignored the others and they ignored him. The only concession made to his temper this time – infamously bad and seemingly worse each week – was to make sure he sat up front with the driver, clambering in quickly and locking the door behind themselves. Kevin stood and stared stonily, then accepted the passenger seat. He didn’t look back once during the drive.

There was little conversation. AJ could tell Brian wanted to say something, because he kept opening and closing his mouth like a fish, but he couldn’t seem to get it out. When they pulled up in front of a small, upscale club that only had a small crowd out front, the door was opened and AJ tried to climb out first. He paused with one hand on the seat beside Brian, and looked him in the eyes.

"I’m still taking it one day at a time, man."

"Okay. Good," Brian sounded relieved. "I’ll be around if you need any moral support, you know that."

"We all will," Howie added.

Kevin was already at the door. The bouncer outweighed him by a hundred pounds, but they could all see he was thinking of picking a fight. Brian got him by the shoulder and hustled him in.

Several hours later, things felt better, but felt worse, too. Kevin had finally given up glaring at AJ and hit the dance floor. Brian stayed with him, leaving AJ to Howie’s care. Between the two of them they looked after Nick. They danced, with each other and various women that presented themselves, but didn’t search for partners. Brian mostly stood off to the side. His glare grew darker as Kevin’s choice of dance partner became more blatant.

Kevin started the night with women. Pretty little blondes, mostly. They generally were. Since Kristen had left him, he seemed drawn to women that looked like her. In the last few months, though, they’d all noticed a change. He was moving from pretty little blondes to big, buff brunettes. Buff like in hard bodies.

Like in male bodies.

"Brian’s going to blow a fuse."

"Why’s he doing this to himself?" Nick sounded frightened. Obvious displays of anger did that to him, and Kevin had been all too obvious lately.

" I’m starting to think we should talk about this," AJ said it quietly.

"Yeah, get him to talk," Howie snorted, getting up from the table. He snagged AJ’s glass as he did, and drank the last of his root beer. "Like I haven’t tried?"

"Maybe I should." AJ stood, too. "Look, call a cab and I’ll take him back to the hotel, just the two of us. He won’t turn down the chance to shout at me in private. Maybe I can get him to talk about it."

"Whatever ‘it’ is," Nick mumbled.

"It’s Kristen, doofus." AJ snapped at him. Howie had his phone out. It was clear from his expression that he wasn’t happy with the plan, but he was dialing.

"No, it’s more than that." Nick stood his ground, even though he was sitting. "It started before she left. Around the time you did the rehab thing, I remember."

AJ glared at him for the reminder. Nick rolled his eyes and scrunched down in the booth, both hands clutching his empty beer glass. "I’m just saying – y’know, I’m not as dumb as people think I am. I see things."

"Sure, Carter," AJ knew he was being nasty but couldn’t help it. The thing with Kevin was like throwing rocks into the little Backstreet pool; the ripples were spreading. Soon they’d all be snapping at each other and making snarky comments.

This time Nick let it pass. AJ wasn’t sure why, but didn’t have time to worry about it. Brian was trying to pull Kevin away from his newest dance partner, a Latino guy that had to be a professional dancer, and Kevin was objecting. Loudly.

"I came here to dance, cuz, and that’s what ah’m gonna *do*!" his accent was thick. People were starting to stare.

"I’ve got the limo out front," Howie told AJ. "Just send it back for us. You might need the room."

And the bodyguard. It was unsaid but understood.

"Thanks, D." AJ patted his cheek and watched him blush. For a man his age, Howie definitely blushed easily. "I’m gonna get this sorted, one way or the fucking other."

"Let me go, you little brat. You always annoyed me when we were kids, Bri, did Ah ever tell you that? Always hanging around, always following me like a damned lost pup..." Kevin shook Brian loose. The Latino guy was watching, snickering. He probably thought it was a lover’s quarrel.

"Ignore him," he called to Kevin. "Come back to me and we can make -"

AJ was in front of him and latching on to Kevin before the guy could finish the overblown sentiment.

Kevin shook his arm like AJ was a dog.

"Get off of me." His voice was low and threatening. AJ wondered how much he’d had to drink. Being this close to him was probably a bad thing in AA terms.

"Not until you quit being an asshole." He tugged and, amazingly, Kevin took a couple of steps toward him. "I’m taking you back to the hotel."

"The fuck you are."

"The fuck I *am*!" AJ snarled and yanked as Kevin set his feet. He must’ve had more to drink than AJ’d thought, because he stumbled forward several more steps and AJ had to catch them. Kevin was big and he was smaller, but he wasn’t a weakling. Especially now, after rehab and the work he’d put into getting himself back into shape. He manhandled him basically upright and paused to check his face.

Kevin looked faintly green, but not dangerously so.

"You gonna puke?"

A silent, infuriated head shake was his only answer.

"Then I’m taking you back to the hotel. It’s me you’re pissed at, this way you can throw a fucking hissy fit in private and everyone else can enjoy their evening."

"Fuck you," Kevin hissed.

"You wish," AJ grinned. That one hadn’t hurt at all. Sometimes he wondered if Kevin even knew them anymore.

They went out the back door, a bodyguard on each side. The limo was warm ans welcoming. AJ waited until Kevin was safely inside before getting in himself, shutting the door securely behind them.

The driver knew where to go. Kevin didn’t say a word during the trip. He kept his forehead pressed to the window, eyes closed. AJ wondered if he was going to pass out.

"I’ll walk you up," AJ said when they stopped, the door held open. Kevin didn’t move. He leaned over and shook his shoulder. Not too hard. "Kevin, I’ll walk you up."

"You’re fucking commin’ with me," Kevin snarled, moving suddenly and quickly. He grabbed AJ"s wrist and held it too tight, but the younger man only grit his teeth and let himself be pulled along. He wasn’t afraid of Kevin. Kevin was bigger, sure, but AJ knew for a fact he’d never really fought anyone since his schoolyard days. Not that he couldn’t – AJ just had the advantage of years of brawling.

He let himself be dragged onto the elevator and then their floor. Maybe it was guilt; he’d put them all through so much with his drinking, and Kevin had suffered particularly. After Howie, he’d gotten the worst of it. Being the responsible one had made him, well, responsible – for getting AJ out of bed, sobered up, and presentable on a hundred occasions. He’d made the excuses for him, covered for him with management, and generally done everything he could to keep them all, and AJ especially, from falling apart.

He’d probably sacrificed his marriage to the cause. Thinking about that, AJ’s guilt trebled, and he didn’t stop Kevin from dragging him into Kevin’s hotel suite.

The door shut behind them with something less than a slam, and AJ stood, not quite shivering in the AC.

Kevin stood a few feet away, his back to AJ, his shoulders tense. The only light in the room was reflected from the streets below, in the big picture windows. The curtains were pulled back. Buildings reached for the sky, electric lights met starlight. It was pretty. AJ thought that maybe he needed to take more time to appreciate things like that.

After a few more minutes, he wondered if he was here for a reason. He weighed the odds of getting yelled at with the chance to go to bed early, but decided he would most likely get yelled at if he tried to leave.

So he sat, on the floor. The carpet was thick, it was clean, and why the hell should he stand there waiting for Kevin to finish his rant anyhow?

Kevin turned around at the sound of his ass hitting the floor.

"What d’ya think you’re doing?" he put his hands on his hips and glared. AJ bit back the urge to laugh. If he’d been drinking he would’ve cracked up. Sobriety really could save your life.

"Waiting for you to finish so I can go back to my room and catch some Z’s."

That seemed to make him stop and think.

"You’re tired?"

AJ leaned back as Kevin approached, on his elbows, and stretched his legs in front of himself.

"It’s been a fucking long day, Kevin. Can we just get this over with? I’ve said I’m sorry enough now, I don’t think saying it again is going to make any difference. You want to take it out on me, fine. Go ahead. I’m cool with it. Just get it over with already!"

He surprised himself by shouting the last words out. Kevin clenched his fists and then threw himself down, straddling AJ, hands on his shoulders pushing him down hard. His words were snarled, angry and thick.

"You think that’s good enough? You think I’m going to yell at you and I’ll *feel* better?"

AJ tried a shrug, but his shoulders were held too tightly. He tipped his head and tried to see Kevin’s eyes, but the angle was wrong. They were in shadow. Kevin’s face was a study in black and white, stark angles and sculptured profile.

"I don’t know what else you want," he said, more quietly than intended. "I can’t change anything I’ve done. I can’t fix what’s wrong in your life."

"You’re what’s wrong, Alexander," Kevin hissed. "You’re what’s wrong with my life!"

He shoved AJ, hard, and he thumped to the floor, his head hitting despite his efforts to protect it. It stung, but he didn’t move. Kevin stared down at him for a minute more, then got up, his back to AJ once again.

"Get out."

Carefully, AJ clambered to his feet. He felt suddenly clumsy. This was a feeling that would have driven him to a bottle just a few short months ago, but that wasn’t an option now.

Now he had to face it stone cold sober. Just him and his fears.

The consequences of his actions.

He wanted to leave. Wanted to go call Howie or Brian and let them talk him through this, until the feeling went away. Or became more manageable. Until he felt like himself again.

Instead, he went to Kevin. Putting his own needs aside was hard, something he was really just learning to do.

Kevin was hard and tight and locked into himself.

"That was harsh, man. You need to tell me what’s really goin’ on. Everyone’s worried about you. I know I screwed up, but there’s got to be somethin’ else happening here."

"Just go, Bone. I can’t deal with this right now." Kevin kept his back to him. "I - I’m sorry I pushed you."

"Not good enough, man." AJ stood behind Kevin. Grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "You’ve been an asshole to me for months. I know rehab fucked up the tour and hurt ticket sales. There’s nothing I can do to make up for it. I’ve apologized, I’m staying clean and you know it won’t happen again. You’ve got to let that go. "

"You’re so thick sometimes," Kevin pulled away, but then, shockingly, he leaned back into AJ. His weight pressed into the smaller man’s chest, his size brought home in a new way. "It’s not about the damned rehab."

He turned suddenly and he was so close. AJ wanted to take a step back, but was afraid Kevin would take that as some kind of rejection and stop talking.

In the dim light, Kevin’s eyes glittered. AJ didn’t know if he was going to cry - which would be completely weird - or if it was just because he’d been drinking.

"So what’s it about, Kev?" instead of stepping away, AJ pushed closer. His head was only at Kevin’s chest. For the first time in a long time, he felt intimidated by Kevin’s size and bulk. When they’d first started and he’d been fourteen, it had been okay. He’d been a scrawny kid, though pretty damned cute, if he did say so himself. But now he was a man, a grown man, and Kevin was still so much bigger.

"It’s about you." Kevin’s hands closed on his shoulders and held him too tightly. "It’s about your damned mouth and your hot skin, your big dick and your damned *attitude*."

"Kevin?" AJ was getting a little worried. Kevin hadn’t really calmed down at all. He’d just swallowed down the anger and now it was coming back up. AJ knew that feeling, knew how hard it could be to control it. "You’re not making much sense." That probably wasn’t going to help, but he found himself suddenly tongue-tied. The way Kevin was holding onto him - it felt almost sexual.

The way Kevin’s light eyes ran over him.

"Your attitude, Alexander."

He had never called AJ that. Not even his mother called him *that*."

"Your fucking attitude."

And Kevin *didn’t* talk like that.

"Kevin..." AJ tried to back off. Tried to get away, but Kevin’s hands tightened and he was held fast. He thought about struggling, but as certain he was he’d win a fight, that didn’t mean he actually wanted one. "Kevin, let me go."

"Nope. You asked, A, and I’m gonna tell ya all about it."

With a fierce shove, Kevin pushed him backwards. Falling, AJ prepared to be hurt by landing on a table or something, but found himself on the bed instead. On his back, arms wide, feet hanging off.

"Your ass, Alexander. The way you taunt and flirt and give it away. To all those stupid pretty things that don’t know shit."

Kevin loomed over him, leaning over the bed, not touching anything, but clearly not intending to let him up.

"You really screwed up, AJ. You’re a damned screwup."

Okay, now AJ was worried. Maybe even a little bit scared.

Fuck, he wanted a drink.

"Back off!"

"Make me." Kevin grinned, straight teeth too white. "But you don’t want to. I know you don’t. And even if you did, you asked for it. You’ve been asking for it. Ever since that night."

Night? What night? AJ tried to think. Had he done something, while he was drunk? Sure, he’d never ben picky about the gender of his sex partners - had he come on to Kevin when he was drunk?

He shook his head. He didn’t remember.

Would he do that to Kevin?

He might’ve. Those last few months before rehab were one big blur of drinking and drugs and dancing. And sex. Lots and lots of sex. The few times the guys had managed to keep him in the hotels, he –

Oh, shit. He might’ve actually done it. He knew he’d hit on Howie. Sweet D had just tucked him into bed and snuggled up with him until AJ mercifully passed out. The next morning AJ, briefly sober, had apologized. Howie’s sadness had hurt, so he’d gone right out and gotten drunk again.

"What’d I do?" he asked Kevin now, hoping he didn’t sound as scared as he suddenly felt. Kevin had a real problem with betrayal. He considered all vows sacred. If AJ had tricked him or tempted him into breaking his marriage vows –

--- had he been the reason Kevin and Kristen broke up?! Oh, shit!

"Kevin, I don’t remember! What’d I do?!" he twisted, tried to roll, but Kevin jumped him and grabbed him, holding him down. Sitting on AJ’s hips, Kevin snarled down at him.

"You don’t remember fucking me. I know."

He gripped AJ’s wrists too hard, it hurt, and held his arms over his head.

"You don’t remember sneaking into my bed and touching me. You don’t *remember* kissing me and telling you’d always wanted me."

He moved his hands, brought AJ’s wrists together and transferred them to one hand, then ran his free hand down AJ’s chest to his crotch.

"You don’t remember that I was scared. You don’t remember that it hurt."

He dug his fingers in and AJ gasped, more fear than pain as Kevin held his balls hard.

"You don’t remember that I liked it. You made me like it, AJ. And then you forgot."

His hand relaxed and AK dared breath again. This was worse than he’d imagined - not that he’d given it much thought. Really, if he admitted it to himself, he hadn’t thought much about how his addiction had affected Kevin, except in terms of the group and the tour and sales.

Kevin was always there, always Kevin. The thought that he’d been this badly hurt - it had never crossed AJ’s mind.

Kevin was so strong. Physically and emotionally. And AJ had hurt him.

Now he sat on top of AJ and looked down at him with something like pain on his face and maybe tears in his eyes.

AJ couldn’t really see, because he was crying now.

"I’ve tried to forget it, I tried to forgive you, but I couldn’t. I could’ve forgive you anything, AJ. Except the forgetting."

"Kevin..." he could only gasp as the enormity of this confession hit him. What had he done? "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean - I didn’t mean to hurt you..."

"You never meant any of it, AJ. That’s the problem."

Now Kevin just sounded sad and lost. AJ wanted to say something, to do *something* to make this better. He tried to remember his steps – what was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say?

He didn’t think anything he’d learned would cover this situation.

"I broke my vows for you. I was unfaithful to my wife. I cheated, I hurt her so much - and you didn’t even remember."

"I’m sorry - I’m so sorry -" AJ struggled as Kevin pressed down on him, pushing their chests together. It was hard to breath. He could smell the alcohol on Kevin’s breath, feel the heat of him too clearly. "I didn’t mean it, Kevin!"

"Didn’t mean any of it? Was it all a fucking game, AJ? Everything you said was a lie?"

"No..." AJ Breathed. Kevin was so close. It was almost as if he wanted to kiss AJ. But he couldn’t - not after what he’d just told him.

He hates me, AJ realized. I really have destroyed the group. He’s going to kill me or kick me out of something.

And when the others find out why, they’ll never speak to me again.

A well of self-pity rose in him but he fought it down. He had no right. Kevin was the one he’d hurt, and if he hurt himself in the process, he deserved it.

He owed Kevin the truth, at least now. As much as he could tell of it.

"I didn’t lie. I did - I did want you. Always had, since I met you. Even when I was just a puny kid. You tried to be like a dad to me, but I wanted you even then, Kevin."

"Don’t lie!" Kevin shoved his hips forward and pushed AJ into the bed. He was shocked to discover that Kevin was hard. And he was too. This was turning him on.

God, he was a freak.

"I’m not lying!" he shouted back. Kevin flinched, they were inches apart. "I’m sorry I forgot, I’m sorry I don’t remember now, but I’m not fucking sorry it happened!"

"I lost my wife!"

"You could have said no!"

"I was in love with you!"

"WHAT?!"

Suddenly all the weight and pressure and heat was gone. Kevin was nowhere to be seen. He’d leapt off the bed so fast AJ wasn’t sure he hadn’t fucking flown.

"Kevin?" breathing hard, AJ lay still. His wrists burned, his balls ached.

He wasn’t really hurt.

Not physically.

"You just kept drinking..." Kevin’s voice was thick and choked. AJ couldn’t tell where it was coming from. "I took care of you, night after night. Cleaned you up when you puked, made you eat, made you drink water. We all did. I begged you to stop, and you just kept going."

AJ shuddered.

"Kevin?" he wanted him to keep talking. Maybe if they got this all out, they could fix it. Or find a way to live with it, without breaking up the group.

With BSB, AJ knew he didn’t have much. His mother and his sobriety. Money.

It didn’t seem like enough to build a life on.

"Get out, AJ." the command was whispered, weak.

"Kevin."

"You don’t deserve to see me like this. Get out, and never come back."

Kevin was crying. That was the sound AJ couldn’t identify.

He didn’t think he’d ever heard it before. When Caroline died and Howie carried on like a trooper, they had all cried with him, but Kevin hadn’t sounded like this.

So lost.

"Kevin, I..."

AJ rolled over, suddenly knowing exactly where Kevin was.

"I can’t."

Curled on the floor beside the bed, his head wrapped in his arms, Kevin shook with the force of the pain he was holding in.

"You owe me this..." he gasped. "GET OUT!"

The shout made AJ jump, but he didn’t move otherwise.

There had to be something he could say. Some way to help Kevin. To make this better.

Or at least easier.

"Kevin, I.... I loved you too."

A ragged, choking sob was the only response. Carefully AJ slid from the be and onto the floor behind his friend. Cautiously he slid his arms around the shuddering body and tucked himself in behind it, resting his head on the broad back.

"I’d wanted you from the first day I met you. Your voice... your eyes. I’d never seen eyes like yours. And the way you talked... so sweet and slow. Even Brian didn’t talk the way you did."

Kevin gasped and shook. His hands unclenched and slid down to cover AJ’s where they met on Kevin’s chest.

"I barely knew what sex was – I’d fooled around, but only with girls. I didn’t touch a guy until after I met you."

The room was so quiet. This high up there wasn’t even traffic noise.

Kevin’s sobs were getting louder as he loosed the tight control he’d held on himself. Still he tried to keep them quiet, as if embarrassed by the sounds. It hurt AJ to hear him.

"I always wanted you, Kevin. I’ve always loved you, the only way I know how. I know I’m not good at it – I’ve fucked it up too many times not to know."

"Shit..." the thick muttered word sounded like it had been torn from Kevin’s heart. "Don’t tell me this. I was getting good at hating you."

"It wasn’t a game." Daring, AJ stretched to press and kiss to the back of Kevin’s neck. The long hair tickled his face.

"You’re right to hate me. I fuck up everything."

"Not everything." still shuddering and sounding like he was crying, Kevin worked to turn over and grab AJ to him, holding him tightly. "You’re not fucking this up."

"Too late to fix it," AJ whispered. He was embarrassed to feel tears in his eyes again. No feeling sorry for himself! This wasn’t about him. "I’m really sorry, Kevin. I can promise you it won’t happen again."

Kevin choked loudly and for a minute AJ was afraid he had hurt himself somehow. Then he realized Kevin was laughing, even while he cried.

"What?" he asked, not understanding. "What?!"

Kevin ducked his head and pressed his face to AJ’s neck. It was damp and warm and sticky. AJ put a hand on the back of his head and held him there.

It was plain he was going to have to give Kevin a few minutes to recover before he could explain.

Lying on the floor, which was hard and cold despite the thick carpet, AJ felt more at peace than he had in months. More comfortable with himself than he had since leaving rehab.

If this was what confession and apologizing and owning up to his mistakes made him feel, the whole thing had been worth it.

Kevin quieted gradually. When he took a deep breath and AJ felt the warmth of it on his skin, he stifled a shiver.

He’d told the truth. He’d always wanted Kevin.

Knowing he’d touched him and not remembering it was going to drive him crazy.

Kevin sighed one more time. His arms around AJ slackened, but he still held on.

AJ wanted to say something, he didn’t know what, but was stopped by Kevin’s mouth on his when the other man moved quickly.

"AJ," Kevin whispered. His lips were warm. The smell of alcohol was strong.

He opened his mouth and kissed AJ, lips moving, tongue teasing. AJ groaned and kissed him back, opening his mouth as wide as he could under the gentle onslaught. It was so sweet - Kevin tasted so good –

"Fuck!" with both hands he shoved Kevin away. "No!"

"AJ?!" half-sitting with his back to the bed, Kevin sounded hurt. "I thought... you said.."

"It’s not you!" suddenly terrified that he really *had* fucked it up completely this time, AJ planted himself in Kevin’s lap so the bigger man couldn’t go anywhere. "It was the kiss. I - I could taste the liquor. In your mouth. It tasted good..."

"Jesus." Kevin covered his face with both hands. "What was I thinking?"

Afraid Kevin would back off now and they’d never be able to fix this thing between them, AJ took those hands and pulled them away. Tenderly, he kissed each palm in turn.

"It’s not your problem. You’re not supposed to think of things like that."

"It’s been my problem for months now." Kevin put his hands on AJ’s cheeks and cradled his face. "I should have said something, that morning or at least when you got out."

"You thought ‘cuz I didn’t remember it didn’t mean anything."

"Did it? Did it really?"

His eyes searched AJ’s face. AJ wasn’t sure he could actually see anything.

"Go brush your teeth and I’ll show you," he said.

Kevin hesitated minute more. AJ stroked his powerful forearms with his hands, liking the way the hair felt when he touched it. The muscles bunched under his hands.

Kevin leaned in and gave him a hard, close-mouthed kiss, then climbed to his feet and walked out of the room.

AJ stood slowly. He realized he was shaking.

He got the bedside lamp on and his cellphone rang. He checked the caller number and debated answering it.

This wasn’t something he was going to share with the others. Unless Kevin wanted to tell them. To tell them what AJ had done to him and the real reason his marriage had split up.

But if he didn’t answer they might think was something was wrong. They’d all been protective of him. Since he got out of rehab, especially since he’d finally finished things with Amanda.

If he didn’t answer they might come to check on him. If he wasn’t in his room, or if he didn’t answer, they might think the worse.

If he was going to spend the night with Kevin Richardson and fulfill some adolescent fantasies as well as some seriously adult desires, he definitely didn’t want to be interrupted.

The phone continued to ring. This had to be Brian, Nick and Howie just weren’t that stubborn.

Kevin appeared in the bathroom door, backlit. He’d taken off his shirt and his hair was damp from washing his face. It curled on his cheeks, making him look prettier.

"You going to answer that?"

"I’m deciding."

Kevin shook his head, a familiar expression of fond exasperation on his face, and crawled over the bed to take the phone from his hand.

"Hello."

"Yeah, we’re here. No, everything’s fine. We’ve been talking."

AJ listened. It seemed Kevin stumbled over that word, ‘talking’, but not obviously.

"No, don’t wake us. I think he’s going to sleep here when we’re done. We don’t have anything scheduled tomorrow, I think we should just take a day to ourselves."

He was quiet for a minute.

"Yeah. We’ll get that sorted out, Bri. I promise."

"No, I’m okay. I’m going to be okay."

"Love you too," Kevin’s voice broke. There were more tears in his eyes. AJ knew they would be a long time fixing the damage he’d done.

The pain he’d caused Kevin wasn’t just going to go away after a night of sex. It would take weeks and months of working at it to rebuild trust.

He felt inside himself, knew he wanted to take that time. If Kevin was willing.

If he’d let them try.

Kevin laid the phone on the bedside chest. He looked up at AJ.

"Look at you," AJ sighed, leaning down and touching the broad chest. "You’re -"

"Ah haven’t changed much," Kevin muttered. "‘cept Ah’m divorced and Ah gained eight pounds."

The accent made AJ hard.

"You look wonderful. What’s this worrying about your weight shit? You aren’t some skinny fashion model."

"I need to set a good example for Nick -" the words were cut off when AJ pounced on Kevin, pushing him down on the bed and rolling him over.

"Nick is fine. He looks better a little heavy."

"You’re not heavy." Kevin’s hands came up and rested on AJ’s waist, holding him there. "You’re perfect."

"Shut up," AJ said. He hated that word. To make sure Kevin did as he was told, AJ leaned down and kissed him. His tongue searched deep in Kevin’ s mouth, finding only the tingle of toothpaste and mouthwash. Eventually, though, he found a touch of what Kevin must taste like, untainted by alcohol or mint. He moaned and rocked his crotch suggestively.

Showing the same level of enthusiasm he did in everything, Kevin found AJ’s ass with his hands and gripped it, directing the rocking to something more purposeful. AJ rode the movement without breaking the kiss, his hands finding purchase on Kevin’s shoulders, slipping down to his chest to palm his nipples. They warmed and hardened against them and he rubbed. He caught Kevin’s moan with his mouth and fed it back to him.

Big hands moved over his ass, slipping between his spread legs and teasing him, stroking. Not shy, AJ lifted his butt higher in the air to give Kevin better access.

He didn’t remember being inside Kevin, which was sad. But Kevin would absolutely remember being inside him. He would make sure.

Long fingers, a piano player’s fingers, snuck under his shirt and dipped into the waistband of his tight pants. AJ wriggled, and reached a hand down to unzip them.

The sound was loud in the room, but he didn’t consider getting up to put music on or anything. This was just about the two of them and what they did together. It should be loud and noisy and messy.

The pants sagged and Kevin’s hand slid down suddenly without the resistance. He moved, shuddering under AJ, and grabbed the back of his head to pull his face down.

"Is this what you want?" he asked, his voice low and raspy. AJ shivered and pushed hard into Kevin’s groin, needy.

"Will it make you happy?" he asked, hearing it in his voice and wondering that it didn’t bother him to be so open. "Will I make you happy, Kevin?"

"Yes," Kevin growled. "Stay with me, love me, and you’ll make me very happy."

With their faces still close together, AJ tensed his stomach for balance, then used both hands to push his pants down as far as he could, to his bent knees. Kevin’s hand moved over his bare skin, his fingers trailed the crack of his ass, surprisingly cool.

AJ pushed back against them blatantly.

Kevin sat up, holding him, and rolled over so they were on their sides, face-to-face. He pulled their hips together and AJ moaned, wanting to feel more of that casual strength.

"Tighter!" he gasped.

"Like this?" Kevin wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him right close. AJ nuzzled his neck and squirmed to get a better position.

"Yeah...."

"It wasn’t like this," Kevin whispered, stilling. "You didn’t talk much that time."

"There was a third person in the room that night, Kevin," AJ said slowly. "My addiction. It’s like it was there with us. Tonight it’s just you and me. That’s the way it’ll always be."

"Don’t say always. I don’t think I can do another always, AJ."

"For as long as you want, then." AJ moved to kiss him. Kevin was unbuttoning the skimpy shirt he wore.

"I like that better. The other -" Kevin lifted his head and AJ could still see redness around his eyes, "-it makes me anxious. I failed so badly at it the first time..."

"That wasn’t your fault," AJ tried to sooth him.

"I wasn’t honest, with myself or with Kristen. I knew I liked men. I’d never acted on it before that one night, but I knew. I should have at least told her that."

"I’m sorry," AJ whispered, kissing his chin, his cheekbone. "I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I led you astray."

A thought occurred O.T. him and he stopped kissing.

"Kevin? *Did* I hurt you?" he knew all too well that he wasn’t always careful during sex. He loved it so much, got so far into it, keeping control was always a challenge. Something women and men had complained about.

"I was pretty sore that morning. And I walked funny for a few days," Kevin admitted, eyes down. "I couldn’t believe you didn’t notice."

"I’m sorry," AJ said again, wishing it made things better. "I am *so* sorry."

"AJ." Kevin took his face in his hands again. It was a gesture AJ knew he was going to cherish. "It’s over. This is where we are now. I’m sorry that I’ve been such an ass to you. From now on we’re not going to live in the past. Okay?"

He nodded, tongue thick in his mouth.

Kevin kissed him. It was sweeter than before. Gentler. Like most strong men, Kevin knew how to be gentle. AJ wasn’t used to that, but thought he’d like it.

He started to move again and soon they were rocking against each other.

Kevin’s hands were clever as they rid AJ and his shirt and helped him kick off his shoes and push the pants the rest of the way down. AJ wanted to undress him, too, but was too distracted by the hands on his body and the mouth on his to really get started. So when he realized Kevin was naked - they were naked together - he only wished he could’ve been watching closely enough to see it when it happened.

His mind tried to tell him there would be other times, but he didn’t want to listen to it right now. He just wanted to be here, in this moment, feeling these things.

Feel Kevin’s hands on his ass, caressing and teasing. Feel Kevin’s mouth on his neck, suction and heat.

Feel Kevin’s cock, hard on his belly, trailing cooling precum as they moved together.

It was an effort, but AJ shook himself out of the sensual haze he wallowed in and managed, with a grunt, to turn over.

He shoved his ass back and heard Kevin’s low grunt of pleasure.

"Please -" Kevin said.

"Yes!" AJ answered with his voice and body, wanting to show Kevin how much he wanted this.

"Should I wear-?" Kevin’s mouth on his shoulder, teeth digging into the skin. One hand at AJ’s crotch, stroking him firmly, making him crazy. The other was floundering under the pillows.

"‘m clean!’ AJ gasped. God, if Kevin didn’t fuck him soon he’d go insane. "Come *on*, Kevin!"

"Not gonna hurt you," Kevin mumbled. There was movement, fumbling and then something cold and smooth on AJ’s ass. Kevin’s aim wasn’t so good, it seemed. Of course, AJ’s twitching probably wasn’t helping. "Jesus, AJ. You smell so good. You taste so good."

Unable to articulate as Kevin’s fingers entered him – two fingers, too much too soon, but AJ wasn’t about to complain – he moaned and clutched at the bed.

"Ready?" Kevin panted in his ear, fingers twisting. It hurt, it was too hard, but AJ took it, he wanted it, it was good when it hurt –

"Oh, yeah - fuck me, Kevin," AJ squirmed and moaned. "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me –"

It was cruder than he’d intended but right now he needed it. Needed it hard and fast and deep.

Needed Kevin way up inside him where he could feel him forever.

"God!" Kevin panted explosively in his ear. His hands tightened on AJ’s hips. "You’re so tight - how can this not hurt you?!"

"It’s good," AJ grunted. The burn spread and he couldn’t help but twist in Kevin’s hands. "You’re big – God, it’s good."

"You like that?" Kevin stopped moving and leaned to look at him. In the light from the lamp he looked sweaty and hot, hair hanging around his face wet curls, lips swollen. His eyes were bright and dark. "You like my big dick inside you, hurting you?"

"Yessss..." AJ groaned, but his body wasn’t with him on it. He gasped and then held his breath as Kevin pushed another inch in. "Oh, fuck me, God."

"You want me inside?" Kevin’s voice was dark and smoky, rich with innuendo. "You wanted me inside you forever?"

"Shit, yes, please, yes, yes yes."

Kevin rolled them over so he was on top, his body pressing AJ down, making it hard to breath, making it hard to see. The fire spread up his back and down his thighs. He felt tears leak from the corners of his eyes and clenched his teeth on the moan that wanted to come.

"This is all you can feel, isn’t it? It was all I could feel, that night. You inside me, and damn, you’re big for such a little guy. You inside me, your balls against me, your hands digging in my skin. You did it so fast, so hard, I thought I was going to pass out."

Kevin shoved in another little bit. The moan escaped AJ, escalating into something wilder.

"I didn’t scream, AJ. I took it like a man. Can you do the same?"

Kevin closed his hands around AJ’s hips and hauled him up. With his ass in the air and his face on the sheets, he was open and completely vulnerable.

Kevin leaned down and sniffed his back. He licked his way up AJ’s spine and then back down again. He didn’t stop at the crack, but went as far down as he could.

He whispered against AJ’s skin, so quiet AJ could barely hear him over his own harsh breathing.

"But I’m not gonna hurt you. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me."

The hands on his hips stroked tenderly as Kevin pulled out. AJ wanted to protest, but the relief was too great. His ass felt gaping and raw.

He sucked in a deep breath and then another. The fog cleared from his brain a little. But he didn’t want to stop. He half-turned, surprised when Kevin used a hand between his shoulder blades to keep him in place.

"I’ve done a lot of reading since that night," Kevin said softly. "Didn’t know if I was ever going to use it. Didn’t know if I would ever want to, especially after Kristen moved out."

Rough fabric, maybe not so rough if he weren’t so sore, and then, ah, God...

The warm, sweet swipe of a tongue over his abused hole.

"Kevin." AJ thought he might be crying.

"Knew you’d like that. I’ve watched you long enough. Watched you move, watched you dance. Knew you liked having your ass played with." the words were spoken against the curve of his butt, vibrating through him. AJ was speechless, with pleasure and shock and pure lust. "I knew you’d like it, and I wouldn’t mind doing it."

Big hands rubbed at his ass, holding him open. Kevin licked him thoroughly, then deeply. AJ shook and moaned, hands clenching and unclenching in the sheets. He was so hard, he was going to –

"Kevin - Kevin, God, I’m gonna come, you’re gonna make me shoot –"

"Yeah, do it, babe," Kevin pulled away long enough to urge. He moved one hand between AJ’s legs and milked the base of his cock, stabbing his tongue deep inside.

AJ writhed and then tensed. He felt the orgasm inside him, so strong. He was burning up, desperate –

-- and he came with a shout, hips jerking, body shuddering. Before it was over, while he was still quivering and twitching, Kevin lined him up and entered him with one smooth lunge. No more lotion, nothing but his cock and AJ"s tender ass, all together at last.

AJ lunged forward, not really trying to ger away but just reacting to the suddenness of the penetration. Kevin soothed him with hands and mouth, petted him until he calmed a little. Mouthing the back of his neck, Kevin finally groaned deep and began fucking him.

It was careful and controlled. He was still trying not to hurt him. AJ shuddered, then worked his arms under his torso to get some leverage so he could push back. His legs were like spaghetti, limp from release. His ass was loose and welcoming, sucking Kevin in like it knew he belonged there.

"So good, so good, baby," Kevin crooned, bitting AJ’s ear. "I can’t believe how good this is. Did it feel this way for you, too? I wish you remembered so you could tell me. Tell me how good it is, baby."

Was he always this bossy during sex? Did he always talk this much? AJ hoped so. He didn’t even mind being called baby. From Kevin it felt natural.

They moved together like they’d been doing it for years. Kevin’s hands roamed AJ’s body possessively. AJ was glad he felt comfortable enough to act on his feelings. For a novice, Kevin had it down. Of course, he’d been as sexually active as the rest of them over the years. Just never with men. Some things translated well.

Kevin’s thrusts picked up speed and power. He sat back on his knees. AJ grunted with each one now, deep inside the way he’d wanted. He could hear Kevin’s deep breaths as he pushed them on. The way he sounded when he lifted weights, deep and thick and hard.

The way he felt inside AJ right now.

He started to harden again. Wanting to come again, but not needing it so bad now, he went to one elbow and got a hand down to his cock, stroking in time. The angle changed and he moaned as Kevin hit the sweet spot.

"That it, baby?" Kevin gasped the words. "That the spot?"

"Fuck yeah..." How the hell could he talk right now? AJ could hardly think.

"Good, baby. God, AJ, you’re so good. So damned sweet. I could fuck you all night."

"Ahhh.... please."

"You wanna come again? Not without me, not this time. Wait for me, Bone –"

"Ahhh....!" AJ heard his voice rising and wondered if he was going to scream. It had been a really long time since he did that.

He was helpless. Totally lost in the needs of his body. In Kevin’s need. Kevin’s need and movement, Kevin’s strength and force, Kevin’s - love?

Yes, Kevin’s love. He could feel it, in every fiber of his being.

"Love you," he gasped. Kevin stiffened, then slammed into him *hard*. AJ shrieked.

"Damn right yah do!" Kevin fucked him down, pounding into him, all thoughts of control or caution faded. "Took you long enough to figure it out!"

"Yes, yes, like that, oh shit!"

"Love you, love me, oh God, AJ -"

"Yeah, like that, Kevin." AJ felt the first shudders, wished he could see Kevin’s face at that moment.

A long deep groan and then Kevin was flattening him, pushing him down to the bed to fuck his way through his coming, covering AJ and trying to crawl inside of him at the same time. The only noise he made was a series of low, harsh grunts that sounded incredibly sexy to AJ’s biased ears.

The heat of Kevin’s load inside him made AJ come as well. He lay, breathless and vibrating beneath him.

When it was finally over, he turned his head to the side and gasped. Kevin slid off him, rolled and pulled AJ tight to him, holding him hard. They were both still shaking.

Kevin nuzzled into his neck and kissed him. softly, sweetly, with an undercurrent of urgency. AJ found his mouth and kissed him back, desperately.

He wanted to remember. God, he wanted to remember so bad.

"Is this okay, are you okay, God, AJ, you were great -" Kevin’s mumbles drifted on the warm air of the room. They hadn’t turned the AC on.

"I’m good. I’m fine." worried about another emotional outburst - not sure either of them could survive it, AJ ran his hands through Kevin’s hair and petted his shoulders and chest. Kevin wasn’t giving him much room to move.

"You’re great." Kevin calmed slowly. "I love you. I hope I wasn’t too rough."

"I’ll be fine. I might walk funny for a few days."

Kevin was silent, kissing his face. AJ kissed back and thought he tasted tears.

"Maybe it will help me remember," he whispered.

"You don’t have to," Kevin told him. He worked a hand free to get a sheet over them. It was too warm, but AJ didn’t complain. He knew they would wake hot and sticky later but for now the cocoon was nice. Perfect, even. "It doesn’t matter. Now is what’s important. Now and every day after this one."

"I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you."

"You better. Or I’ll beat your ass."

It sounded so much like the old Kevin - the one before the drinking, before rehab and the divorce, the one AJ had looked up to and lusted after for so long – he laughed out loud. It was a little hoarse, a little rusty from disuse, but he laughed.

And Kevin smiled at him.

"I believe you," AJ told him, snuggling in closer. He felt perfectly at ease, now, here. In Kevin’s arms.

Drifting to sleep with the light still on because neither of them was willing to move enough to turn it off, one mournful thought stayed in his mind.

I wish I could remember....

<the end>

comments and suggestions to saraid@wf.net