saraid@wf.net
Blair was sitting on the sofa writing a lecture. The Tv was on for background noise, he was alone in the loft because Jim was off on a stakeout, like he had been all week.
Stretching and sighing Blair put his laptop aside for a minute and glanced at the screen.
Recognizing the show as something he'd seen a few times late at night on the Tv at the student center, he reached for the remote and turned the volume up.
"You've just got to let him know that that's not acceptable to you, no matter how much he likes it." the shrink, Blair remembered his name now, they called him Dr.Drew, was replying to a caller's question.
"It's not that hard." his partner -- sidekick? -- spoke up. "Just take your foot away and yank your toes out of his mouth!"
"That might not be the best way to deal with it, Adam." Drew said with a small smile. "They need to talk about it. "You only started having sex recently?"
"Yeah...a couple of weeks ago was the first time. We've been dating for eight months and I was thinking that this might be serious..." the caller was a young woman, Blair read her name and age on the screen. Linda, 24.
"If this is the only problem you're having, don't let it spoil the chance of a good relationship without even talking about it. He'll probably be surprised. I'm sure he never thought that it annoyed you."
"You could just wear dirty socks for a few days. That would make him stop." Adam grinned and the studio crowd roared with laughter. Drew shushed them with hand motions and talked to the girl for a few more minutes.
Blair picked up the phone, staring at it.
{What am I thinking?!} he put it down again quickly.
Then he closed his eyes and went over last weekend in his mind.
His dark blue eyes snapped open and he grabbed the phone up again, watching the screen while he dialed.
After the commercial Drew sat up, he'd been leaning over the side of his chair again, and glanced at the night's guest, the lead singer from a new band that was rapidly gaining in popularity
"How you doing over there, Ryan?"
The good looking young man with close-cropped curly red- blond hair grinned cheerfully. He was wearing a black leather jacket over a muscle short and jeans that were so ripped more skin showed than was covered.
"Just fine, Drew."
"And the album is doing well." Adam added.
"We're pretty happy with it. When that first song took off like that we were surprised, but we're getting used to it."
"Richard Ryan from the Ripped Chords." Drew identified him for the audience.
"Let's see what this next guy wants." Adam leaned back,legs crossed lazily, grinning his laid-back grin.
"Okay." Drew turned his attention back to the monitor. "Next we've got Blair?"
"Yeah. Hey, Dr.Drew." Blair's hand was shaking and he was astonished at how different his voice sounded. {Good. Maybe nobody will recognize me.}
"How can we help you, Blair?"
His name came up on the screen and his age. Blair gulped audibly.
"I'm in this relationship...we've been sleeping together for about six months now..." he froze up, unable to continue.
"So you're in this relationship and something's not going well." Drew prompted.
"It's not that it's bad." Blair gulped again. "It's just that...well....I want something *more* and I can't seem to get him to understand it."
"You're with a guy." Adam clarified.
"Yeah. A guy."
"How long were the two of you dating before you started sleeping together?" Drew asked.
"Uh...we were roommates for almost two years."
"Have you had homosexual experiences in the past?"
"Oh, yeah. That's not the problem, man. I'm completely cool with that." {Even if I'm not sure Jim is.}
"So what is the problem?" Drew sounded patient.
"Yeah, spit it out." Adam didn't.
"It's like...man, he treats me like I'm made of glass. He's bigger than I am and pretty tough...he's a cop...and I'm getting fed up with it but I don't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings."
"You're saying he's too gentle in bed."
"Exactly, man."
"Well, he's a cop. So he knows how to hurt people." Adam said. Drew gave him a mildly exasperated look.
"Listen, Blair. I'm getting the impression that he's older than you are. You're what? twenty-six? How old is - what's his name?"
"Jim. His name is Jim. And, yeah, he's older than I am. About eleven years older."
"That's a pretty big age span." Drew leaned back and looked thoughtful. "Is he gay as well?"
"Um, no, um, I'm the first guy he's ever, uh...been with."
"So this whole thing is pretty new to him.
"Uh-huh." {Way to sound like a dork, Blair.}
"Are you afraid that if you tell him what you want he's going to leave you?"
"Jim? No way, man. He is so not like that. He's into commitment." even Blair heard the quiver in his voice when he said the last word.
"Is that a problem for you?"
"I don't know. I mean, I love him, more than I've ever loved *anybody*, but this coddling is really starting to bug me. I don't think I could leave him over it but..."
"If you're not happy with your sex life you will leave eventually." Drew said quietly.
"I had kindof the same problem with my boyfriend once." Richard spoke up and a ripple of shock ran through the audience. "It was sortof like your situation, Blair. He's a lot older than I am and he was my teacher for a while. It was like he couldn't get over the fact that I was so much younger than him and he couldn't decide if he should treat me like his son or his lover."
"Jim treats me more like I'm his wife." Blair answered, as shocked as the rest of them to learn that the guy was gay.
"I just had to sit him down and tell him." Richard shrugged. "About a dozen times before he figured it out."
"I didn't realize you were gay." Drew was studying the guest.
"It's not a big secret. He's here with me tonight." Richard grinned.
"Well, hell, bring him out!" Adam perked up, looking interested.
"I don't think..." Drew shook his head, but Adam was gesturing to a stagehand, who reluctantly came on camera.
"See if you can get Ryan's boyfriend out here."
Drew just shook his head again.
"We're going to go to commercial. You hang on, Blair, and we'll figure this out when we come back."
"Okay." Blair said softly.
He watched the commercial, seriously considering hanging up. But then the operator came on and asked him for his address so they could send him a copy of the show and then the show was back on.
There was another man sitting beside Ryan on the couch. Big and dark and almost pretty, he looked very uncomfortable.
"So, we're back..." Drew began.
"And we got Richard's boyfriend Duncan out here." Adam seemed cheerful about that.
"And we're talking to Blair. Are you there?"
"I'm still here." {Barely.}
"I agree with Richard on this one, Blair. You just have to tell him what you want. Find out how he feels about it and try to come to some kind of compromise."
"You don't, like, want him to really hurt you, do you?" Adam sounded curious.
"No! I am so not into pain." Blair protested. "I just want him to...well, to quit treating me like I'm going to break." {I want him to mark me. To claim me.}
"It's not that easy." the newcomer spoke up. "When you're in the habit of protecting people it's hard to let that go, especially in the bedroom."
"And especially when you're bigger than your partner." Drew added with an appreciative glance at Duncan. "You said Jim was bigger than you are. How much bigger are we talking here?"
"And we're not asking penis size." Adam quipped, getting another wave of laughter.
"Uh..." Blair hesitated. "I guess he's got about a foot and maybe seventy pounds on me."
"Either he's huge or you're tiny." Adam teased.
"A little of both." Blair answered in the same tone.
"So he really could hurt you if he wanted to." Drew clarified. "This isn't an imaginary worry for him."
"No, he could *definitely* hurt me." Blair agreed.
"Maybe he's just afraid of loosing control. He's in a violent profession, after all."
"But that's the problem. He never looses control, it's always me that winds up on the ceiling and it seems like it doesn't affect him at all." Blair blurted it out.
"That sounds like a whole different problem." Adam said.
"Do you think it's a power issue?" Drew asked Blair quietly.
"I don't know. Maybe."
"And you resent that."
"yeah." Blair knew they could hardly hear him, but couldn't bring himself to speak up.
"I think you really need to talk to Jim, Blair. The two of you need to sit down and clear the air; about what you want from this relationship, what you expect, and what you need."
"What if he leaves me?" panic gripped Blair's heart.
"Have the two of you come out?"
Startled by the direction Drew was going, Blair answered honestly.
"Yeah. He told everybody, even at the station."
"So this previously straight man -- this policeman, which, as everyone knows, is not the most forgiving of professions when it comes to issues like homosexuality -- has come out of the closet and told everyone that he loves you and is sleeping with you and you're still afraid he's going to leave you after that?"
Richard was shaking his head.
"Ain't gonna happen, man."
"Even if he does, it's too late now -- all the other cops are never going to let him live it down." Adam was being unhelpful.
"That does sound pretty stupid, doesn't it." Blair said at last.
"Not stupid, Blair. What people feel is never stupid. I'm thinking that this is your fist serious relationship."
"I've never been in love before, if that's what you mean. I've always been too busy with school and traveling, I didn't have time and I never stayed in one place long enough."
"I think that's a big part of the problem. You have to learn to trust yourself as well as the man you love."
"I don't know if I can do that."
"Which one?"
"Trust myself."
"You're going to have to try." Drew sat back. "I want you to leave your number so we can get back to you in a couple of weeks and see how it's going, okay, Blair?"
"Yeah. Thanks, Dr.Drew."
He hung up the phone feeling a little better. With a heavy sigh he clicked
off the Tv and went to the stereo. On the top of the CD pile was the new Ripped
Chords. He put it on and went back to his lecture, listening to the music with a
new appreciation for the lyrics, which meant something new now that he knew
about Richard Ryan.
With a stifled groan Jim shut the door behind himself as quietly as he could. Automatically he swept the loft with his senses, searching for Blair, as he hung up his jacket, leaving the light off
His heartbeat and breathing were slow and steady from the sofa just a few feet away.
Walking around to look down at him in the dark Jim grinned. Still dressed, glasses still on, Blair had fallen asleep while reading, the remote control fallen to his chest as he slumped over.
Sitting on the floor in front of the sofa Jim plucked the glasses from his nose and folded them, setting them aside, and then took the remote. Curious, he pushed the start button and both the TV and VCR came on.
{Watching a tape.} Jim perked up, wondering what his love had been watching. {Probably some PBS special on Mayan temples or some such.}
He stared at the screen, the volume was very low but he could hear it well enough. It seemed to be a talk show of some sort...and then he saw the name in the corner and did a double- take, turning it up just a little bit.
"No! I am so not into pain." Blair protested. "I just want him to...well, to quit treating me like I'm going to break."
Jim's eyes widened and he rocked back against the sofa. That was Blair. *His* Blair.
Reading the name of the program onscreen he hit the info button on the remote and got a quick synopsis of the program.
{Blair called an advice show?!} He rewound while his mind tried to process this, then stopped when Blair's name disappeared and hit play.
Thirteen minutes later he was sitting bolt upright, trying to control his breathing, afraid he would wake Blair before he'd had time to process this.
Blair wanted him to be rough. He was tired of the gentle lovemaking Jim had been giving him.
{Well, not tired, maybe, but he wanted a change, certainly.} Jim clicked off the electronics and turned, rising on his knees and and leaning over the beautiful young man sleeping so sweetly behind him. "I can give him that." he said it aloud, not keeping his voice down, and was rewarded when Blair stirred in response to his voice.
"Jim?" still sleepy, Blair half-sat and reached for him. "I tried to stay up, man..."
"So why didn't you say something?" Jim caught his shoulders and pushed him back down,leaning close, his breath warming Blair's lips.
"Hunh?" Blair was confused, but lay back obediently, hands reaching to stroke Jim's face.
"I like to play rough, too, Bounce." Jim's voice was teasing as he used the endearment, but his hands were gripping Blair's shoulders tightly. "All you had to do was tell me."
"Oh, shit. You saw the tape." Blair dropped his head backwards and let his hair fall into his eyes, hiding behind it.
"Oh, boy, did I." Jim's hand tightened quickly, and he felt the shiver that ran through his lover. "But we need to talk about this first."
Blair shivered again, pushing up against Jim's hands, testing, grinning when Jim didn't let up on the pressure.
"What's to talk about, Jamesy?" he teased with the nickname Jim half-hated.
"Ground rules." Jim's grin widened. Blair was going to pay for that. "Pick a safe word."
"You mean a word I say to make you let me go?"
"You say it, I let you go." Jim nodded.
"Uhhhh....Pooka."
"Pooka?" Jim chuckled quietly. "Is this a Jimmy Stewart-and -Harvey thing?"
"I guess it's on my mind since he died today." Blair agreed.
"Okay. Pooka it is."
"Do we need anything else?"
"Just for you to be sure." Jim wasn't smiling anymore. "You know I won't really hurt you."
"A little hurt could be good." Blair said ingeniously.
"Nothing permanent. Or involving significant quantities of blood." Jim established.
"So I can fight back?" this time Blair's shiver was visible, not just felt.
Jim answered in a voice that said it wouldn't do him much good.
"If you want to."
"Good." Blair shook off his hands, rolling from the sofa to stand. Jim flipped on the lamp and let him, watching him with hot eyes. "I need to put some stuff away before I come to bed." Blair turned and began gathering papers and books, Jim watching every movement closely.
Arms full Blair went to his old room, excitement running through his veins as he piled stuff on his desk.
{This is going to be great!} he could hardly contain the urge to run back out and leap up the stairs. {This is going to be so great!}
His mind still running in circles he came back out, expecting Jim to already be upstairs, and was totally surprised when his lover appeared from a shadow and grabbed him, hands biting into his shoulders, and turned him roughly, shoving him into the corner of the room and pressing him there, hard.
"Jim!" Blair blurted, suddenly tingling all over. This was *not* what he had expected.
"Surprise is half the battle." Jim hissed into his ear, pressing on Blair with the full length of his body, the rough brick digging into Blair's cheek as he turned his face, looking for room to breathe, hands splayed for balance.
He felt his sweats yanked down, catching on his erection painfully and then Jim's hands were squeezing his ass, strong fingers digging into the muscle and it felt *good*.
"ohhhhh, Jim." he groaned. Then he pushed back into those hands and tried to bring his hands closer together for leverage so he could try to shift from beneath his lover. Sensing the imminent escape attempt Jim bit his shoulder, hard, and used that grip to hold him while forcing a leg between Blair's, using his greater strength to spreading them wide, further threatening Blair's perilous balance, forcing the smaller man to lean more heavily on the wall.
"Oh, God!" Blair moaned, then got louder. "Oh, shit, that hurts! Oh, god, Jim." Jim grinned around the flesh between his teeth and his hands left Blair's ass to open the front of his own jeans.
His dick, throbbing and hard, was pressed close to Blair's ass, Jim's arms pulling Blair back just enough to let him wrap his arms around the younger man, fingers grabbing and twisting his nipples, catching in the soft chest hair and tugging while Blair moaned helplessly.
Jim bent his legs and pushed up, seeking entrance to Blair's body, not trying to guide himself in, which led to a lot of fierce rubbing and more moaning from Blair, who was beginning to twist and thrash in his arms, his struggles becoming more real every moment. Jim had to exert more strength to hold him in place and resorted to biting him again, this time right at the back of the neck, drawing a shriek and a thrust backwards that let him slide halfway in.
In some dim part of his mind that was capable of thought Blair realized that Jim must have already lubed himself because there wasn't any pain from the entry, but then Jim moved one hand to the middle of his back and scooted back, bending Blair harshly over the other arm and pounding into him, Blair's head pressed to the bricks, feeling a bruise forming in that spot and not caring as he met each thrust.
It escalated into a competition as each man tried to push harder, thrust deeper, Blair's fingers gripping the rough brick painfully, Jim's hand spread on his back but still managing to dig into the skin.
It was too much for Blair. His dick ached and he howled in frustration, shifted, letting his head hit the bricks harder, so he could get a hand down to it. He pulled hard, in no mood to wait, and soon he was coming with an incoherent scream, feeling Jim tighten around him, the last thrust disrupting his precarious position and throwing him forward, hard, into the brick, catching himself and preventing a severe blow to the head by the slimmest of margins, Jim shouting behind him.
When Jim released him a minute later he sagged to the floor, legs rubbery, unable to catch himself, and Jim's arms came back around him, tender now, and lowered him gently.
He felt the soft kiss to his forehead, and then he was lifted and carried back to the sofa, laid gently down. Jim left and Blair relaxed into exhaustion, body and mind empty of all but the lingering pleasure.
Soon a wet warmth touched him and he was washed and dried and tended to, the oozing bites kissed, bruises caressed and licked soothingly.
When he finally opened his eyes Jim was looking down at him from the side of the sofa, a tiny bit of worry creasing his brow.
"was that what you wanted?" with a tiny kiss to the corner of his mouth Jim told him of his love.
"Mmmmmm." Blair purred, stretching, feeling the pinch of bruises on his back and hips and chest, hissing a little. "Exactly."
"I think we should do this more often." Jim scooted him over on the sofa and sat next to him, pulling Blair's head into his lap, petting his hair.
"Me, too." Blair turned his face and snuggled it onto Jim's stomach, still heaving from his exertions.
"This is a Tuesday sort of thing." Jim looked own at him and Blair opened his eyes, staring for a few seconds before cracking into a smile.
"A Tuesday thing." he repeated.
"To keep Tuesdays from getting boring." Jim said, mischief flickering on his face.
"We can't have that, can we?" Blair's grin matched Jim's.
"No, Bounce. We can't have that." Jim leaned to kiss him, his tongue gently
probing Blair's mouth until it was opened to him and they tasted each other,
re-learned each other, until the siren song of the night called them to bed and
to sleep, wrapped in a love reaffirmed by violence.
"Hello? Blair, are you there?" Dr.Drew smiled into the camera. "We're going to check back with one of out callers from a couple of weeks ago. Does everybody remember Blair?"
"His boyfriend wasn't rough enough." Adam supplied.
"I'm here, Dr.Drew." Blair leaned back into Jim's embrace with a grin.
"So, did you sit Jim down and talk to him?"
"I kindof didn't have to. He, uh, he found my copy of the tape and watched it."
Adam was laughing loudly while the guest, a pretty blond girl, reached over and smacked him.
"How did he react to that?"
"He asked me if that was really what I wanted. We talked about it and he told me why it scared him. So we set some ground rules."
"That's often a good idea." Drew said with a smile. "What kind of rules did you agree on?"
"That we would decide if it was going to be rough before we got into the bedroom, and I chose a safe word."
"You mean a release word."
"Yeah."
"That's a word you yell and your partner has to let you go." Adam said helpfully. The guest smacked him again. "Something like *Jello*!" he said loudly, giving her a look. "See, I used mine, so now she has to leave me alone!"
"And how are things now?" Drew patiently ignored the antics of the other two.
"Just to be sure we even picked a night, so now we both know ahead of time what's going to happen."
"And did that work out?"
"It was great!" Blair said enthusiastically. "He was great!"
Beside him Jim pained a pained sound, embarrassed. Drew picked up on it.
"Is Jim there with you?"
"Yeah, he's home tonight."
"Would he mind getting on the phone?"
Blair looked at Jim, worry on his face. His lover just shrugged and took the phone, frowning.
"Hello?" he jumped when he heard his voice on the television.
"It's not often we get to hear both sides of a story." Drew said. "Tell me how you think this worked for you, Jim."
"Well, I was surprised when I found that tape." Jim answered slowly {Shocked is more like it.} "But after we talked about it I understood. It's second nature for me to protect Blair. I'd never even considered that he might not want that all the time."
"And now?"
"Now we've got a lot of things out in the open." Jim's grin carried through the phone to the telly. "This has let us talk about a lot of things."
"Once you found you could talk about that it let you talk about other issues." Drew paraphrased.
"Exactly." Jim answered succinctly.
"And you're comfortable with this."
"I think panning it -- deciding ahead of time when it's going to happen -- has helped me a lot. I can spend the day getting myself into the right mindset."
"I bet the bad guys hate those days!" Adam cracked up. Jim didn't reply.
"Thank you for talking to us, Jim, Blair. We wish you well in the future." Drew threw a despairing glance at Adam, who was through scuffling with the guest and then looked back at the camera.
"Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. We're always glad to hear about it when something
works out." Adam sounded mildly chastened.