Know

It was a large house, but not opulent.

The security system had not been set, which fit with what Jarod had learned about Michelle, the only women Sydney had ever loved.

The woman who had taken his child from him before the Centre doctor even knew that child existed.

Only a few days ago Jarod had saved Sydney's child.

Saved him *for* Sydney. Before he had asked, although, he had, of course, asked.

As much as he payed lip service to Jarod walking a dangerous edge and needing to be back at the Centre for his own protection, he was willign enough to use Jarod when it suitedhim.

As he had always been.

Moving silently, gracefully through the silent house, cutting the darkness with a small low-powered flashlight, Jarod didn't need to guess which room belonged to Sydney's child. he thought of him that way, although Nicholas was an adult.

Had been an adult before Sydney even knew of his existence.

All he had to do was think about Michelle and her dead husband and Nicholas and he knew which room the young man was in.

At the top of the stairs, the one with the tree limbs that could lead to the yard.

There was a quiet hiss as the furnace kicked on and Jarod shivered. Wearing the same black leather he had worn the last time he saw Sydney, he was stilled chilled from his long trek through the woods that backed the house.

Letting himself concentrate on that, he avoided thinking about the real issue.

What was he doing here? What did he expect to find?

"I need to know." Whispering the words aloud, he carefully opened the door to that bedroom at the top of the stairs and slipped inside, silently.

"I *need* to know."

His voice must have risen, because the young man on the bed, who was sleeping sprawled on his stomach, nearly upside-down on the bed, because Nicholas raised his head, soft brownhair mussed by sleep, and blearily opened his eyes.

"know..what..?" His mumble was les than awake.

Clicking off the light, Jarod lowered himself to a crouch at the foot of the bed and met those eyes.

His throat was thick and he felt as if he were going to cry. It took two swallows to be able to speak.

"To know - why he loves you."

Awakening now, eyes widening as Nicholas realized who was in his room, recognized him, Sydney's son flipped himself over and half-sat, defensive.

Jarod spread his hands in a pleading gesture.

"I - I'm his son." He stammered.

"He loves you." Jarod repeated, the words twisted with anger and profound grief. "Not me. He never knew you...."

"But he's my father." Seeing the pain that tore at Jarod's soul, Nicholas no longer felt threatened. "That's all he needs to love me."

Slowly he leaned forward, studying Jarod as he came fully awake.

"He never told me how he knew you. Are you - were you - lovers?"

The thought made Jarod shudder visibly, made him gag. Drawing back, he brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself.

"No. No no no no. He - he raised me...taught me - to tie a tie, to spell, taught me algebra and music... he *raised* me, as a father does, and he used me."

Curing further down, lost in a sudden wash of inner pain, Jarod was no longer aware of where he was or what he was doing, or why.

All he knew was that he was alone, and Sydney did not and had never loved him.

Not the way he loved this child of his blood.

"Hey."

The soft voice was gentle, and compassionate.

"Hey. Don't sit down there. It's cold and hard."

There was a hand on his shoulder, gentle but insistent, tugging at him. Uncaring, Jarod allowed himself to be pulled to his feet and then sat on the bed like a chastened child.

And Nicholas was crouching in front of him, their positions so quickly reversed.

"I can see the pain you're in." Sydneys's son rested his hands on Jarod's knees. "I don't know much about what my father does, but from things my mother has said, it's not always good. If he's hurt you, why did you come to help me? Because I know you did it for him, and not me."

Managing to focus, Jarod felt the wetness of tears on his face, and was stunned into answering.

"I love him. he's the only father I've known."

And anger rose in him, made him growl with anger and push off the bed, tackling the younger man, holding him against the floor with an arm pressed to his neck.

"But he loves you! Not me - I did everythign he asked me to! When I was tired, when I was frightened, when I was so alone I wanted to die - I did what he wanted!!!"

Some sense of self-preservation stopped him short of shouting, so the words more more potent growled through clenched teeth, bathed in hot tears.

Hands above his head, Nicholas didn't fight back. He did looked scared, but sorrowful too.

"I don't know what he did to you - I don't even know your name - but he spoke of you when we were coming home that day."

He swallowed and kept talking, quiet and calm.

"I asked him who you were and he said someone very important to him. He said he owed you.

"Owes me what?" Jarod muttered thickly. "A life? He owes me a life."

"I'm sorry if he hurt you." Nicholas' words were filled with the compassion Jarod had seen in him earlier, seen that day he watched as Nicholas taught a small Apalachian boy to read. Raising his hands from the floor, the younger man touched Jarod's face, fingers stroking gently. "I hate to see anyone hurt this much."

With those words he raised his head, Jarod's arm slipping from his neck as the pretender stared, and Nicholas kissed Jarod.

Who shuddered, and then pulled back, fresh sobs welling from his throat, rolling away and crying like a child, all pretense gone, nothing left but Jarod and his pain.

Movng slowly, not wanting to startle him into violence, Nicholas scooted behind Jarod and wrapped his arms tightly around the strong chest, the metal trim of the leather jacket cold against his bare skin, and hugged him hard, held him, pressing his face to Jarod's head and offering silent comfort through the storm.

For the first time snce his escape, Jaord lost control.

There was no question of pretending.

This was his, totally his, unvarnished Jarod, and it hurt so much.

But Nicholas was a warm, steady rock that held him up until he could breathe again.

When his throat was so thick he couldn't swallow and his chest was so tight he could only gasp and his eyes so swollen and dry that they burned....

Then it was past.

He relaxed with one last gulp of air and sagged in Nicholas' embrace.

"S-sorry." He gasped.

"so... sorry..."

"Don't be." Hearing the words, Nicholas stroked Jarod's laboring chest. "That sounded like it was a long time coming. Critical mass, eh?"

"Something - like that." With a lurch Jarod tried to pull free, but the younger man held him tightly, leanign closer to whisper in his ear, still stroking gently.

"Shhh. Lie still. It's okay. I'll give you whatever you need."

"I need the life I was meant to have." The words were bitter and rancid.

There was no answer for them, and Nicholas knew that.

Lifting up with his hands, he leaned over Jarod to look at him as he spoke.

"Come. Lie down with me. Spend a few minutes here, with me. I won't hurt you, or ask anything of you. Think of it as sanctuary."

"Sanctuary?" Jarod stared up at him, dazed and drained from his cleansing outburst.

"Yes." Nicholas smiled, and it was enoguh like Sydney's that Jarod almost smiled back. Offering ahand, the younger man rose off the tiled floor.

"Sanctuary. No one will hurt you here."

"No one will love me, either." Trying to be resttained, Jarod again sounded bitter. But he took the hand and raised himself from the floor, and watched while Nicholas, clad only in a pair of blue briefs, crawled back into the bed and held the covers up for him.

"There's only peace here." Ncholas said. "You're safe."

"I haven't been safe from the day I was born." Still bitter but exhausted, Jarod shrugged out of his jacket and allowed it to hit the floor. Nicholas' smile was encouraging, so he took off his boots and socks as well, laving him in black leather pants and a white t-shirt that displayed every taut muscle of his chest.

"You won't sleep in those." Nicholas gestured at the pants with his free hand. "Look at me. I promise you, you are safe here."

Their eyes met in the dimness and Jarod studied Nicholas, not knowing that his own eyes looked tired and sad.

"I believe you." Quiet confirmation, and then he was taking off his shirt, and his pants, hanging both on the chair that sat in front of the desk by the window that opened to the tree limbs.

Waiting quietly, Nicholas just held the covers up until Jarod had slipped beneath them, then tucked them around the older man and lay down beside him, barely touching.

It was quiet, and the furnace stopped blaowing, leaving it quieter in the absence.

As if he was afraid his words would break something in that quiet, Nicholas whispered.

"What's your name?"

"Jarod."

He said it so softly that he was afraid the othe rman might not have heard it.

"That's the one thing I do know about myself. My name is Jarod."

Rolling to his side, Nicholas smiled and touched Jarod's chest with his hand.

"Hi, Jarod. I'm Nicholas. Thank you for saving my life."

"It was -" Covering the hand on his chest with one of his own, realizing that it shivered, Jarod had trouble answering. "It was

the right thing to do."

"Are you glad you did it?"

Closing his eyes, seeing the happiness on Sydney's face as he'd sat at the picnic table with Michelle beside him and Nicholas before him, Jarod sighed an answer.

"Yes."

The kiss startled him.

Of the ways this night could have gone, this was somehthing he hadn't even considered as a possibilty.

It seemed that he had a blind spot when it came to physical contact - pretender or no, he couldn't always predict it.

And he would never have predicted this. Well, maybe if h'e known a little more about Nicholas...

Then the younger man's hands went low and skimmed over his boxers, caressing the half-hard organ there, and Jarod changed his mind.

No. He could have never predicted this.

The thought both frightened and excited him.

It had been so long since anyone touched him with kindness. The very gentleness of Nicholas' touch showed that he knew that, and fresh tears welled in Jarod's eyes, and he reached to touch back.

"Nicholas...Nick...I don't - don't know -"

"Shhh." Another kiss, this one longer and deeper, a tongue sliding between Jarod's lips to taste him. "Don't talk. Just feel. Let me ease that pain, Jarod. Let me share it, just for a little while."

"Yes..." Opening his mouth to the kiss, pulling the smaller man closer, Jarod stifled a small moan. "Please."

"yes." Nicholas whispered as they broke apart for air, inches between them.

They kissed, and Nicholas touched Jarod, stroked him, excited him. Trying to return the favor, Jarod was hesitant when he found the hot, hard flesh that waited for his hands, but the approving sounds Nicholas made encouraged him and soon he was helping the younger man slip the briefs over his legs, and then Jarod's boxers were gone and they were naked, and together.

Everything was progressing smoothly, Jarod was on the verge of orgasm, when Nicholas pulled away and reached to fumble with the lamp.

"No -" Jarod said, but Nicholas shook his head and turned in on the lowest setting.

"I'll turn it off again, I just need to find something."

Confused, Jarod watched as he dug through a drawer and pulled out a jar of something.

"Here."

Offering it to Jarod, Nicholas looked serious. "Do you know what to do with it?"

Taking it in both hands and turning it over, Jarod couldn't look at Nicholas.

"In theory." He answered as calmly as he could.

"Let's put the theory into practice." Nicholas reached for the light, but Jarod stopped him.

"It's okay. Leave it on."

"I'd like that." Lying back down, the younger man spooned in front of Jarod, drawing his knees up.

Jarod stared, at a loss.

"Its okay." Nicholas said reassuringly. "This isn't my first time. There are some things about me my father definitely doesn't know yet."

"But why?" Daring, Jarod sat the jar aside and caressed the smooth curved back before him.

A shrug rippled the shoulders he touched.

"It hasn't been the right time to tell him. When he needs to know we'll talk about it."

"But why me?" Jarod asked again, hands stilling, the heat of Nicholas' body almost burnning them. He wanted this, his body was demanding it.

"Because." Twisting his head back, Nicholas wasn't smiling now. "Because I see such pain in you and such goodness. But there's a darkness there too and I would draw you back from it."

"With this gift."Jarod sighed, leaning to kiss the shoulders he had been stroking. "Are you sure?" He whispered the question into an ear, tongue lightly touchinig the soft skin behind it. Nicholas' hair smelled sweet and clean.

"Yes, Jarod." With a sogh Nicholas pressed back into him. "I'm sure."

There was a moment of awkwardness, then Jarod found the jar and got it open. Preparing Nicholas was strange, but not completely foreign, thanks to time spent as both a doctor and a pathologist.

When he touched the gland that made the younger man jerk and moan with pleasure it was like he had touched himself, the reaction was so strong.

"I"m ready." Nicholas said insistently, panting. "Don't take all night back there."

"I won't." Surprised to hear himself chuckle, Jarod rekoved the three fingers he was using and replaced them with the head of his throbbing cock. "I'm going to do it now. Okay?"

"Okay." Nodding, Nicholas held himself still, and Jarod entered him smoothly, with no pain or pressure.

Then the bigger man simply wrapped himself as tightly around the younger as he could and held on for what could have been hours.

Holding Jarod's hands where they clasped on his chest, Nicholas waited pateintly, rocking slightly, kissing the forearms he could reach and making a few quiet, happy noises.

At last Jarod moved, and it was so intense that they both knew it wasn't going to last long.

"So good..." Sighing, Nicholas used one hand to pump his own cock, knowing that Jarod was too caught up in the experince to think about it. For his part, Jarod lost himself in the rythym. Thrust and slide, thrust and slide, over and over until he couldn't tell when one stroke ended and the next began.

"Jarod-" Nicholas' gasp drew him back to the present and he thrust harder with the words.

"I'm going to come." It was a simple statement, and Jarod had no concept of what it meant to him at this moment, except that he was happy he had pleased Nicholas.

But then Nicholas did come, and the way his ass tightened and convulsed aorund Jarod's cock made him think breifly that he should have been paying closer attention.

Only managing a couple more strokes into the yet-tighter passage, he came with a moan of despair and then clung to Nicholas.

Eventuall their breathing settled down and he softened, slipping from Nicholas' body.

The younger man turned over and kissed him.

"Thank you." Jarod whispered, unable to think of anything more meaningful to say. "Thank you..."

"Anytime." Nicholas smiled and Jarod thought he saw something in it he hadn't seen before.

Love?

He wasn't going to ask.

There were times he needed his illusions.

Letting Nicholas curl up close to him and put his head on Jarod's chest, the bigger man held the smaller until he slept.

The last thing Nicholas said before dreams claimed him made him stay.

"You're safe here. Don't go."

And Jarod kissed his head and promised.

"I'll stay until dawn."

When the sun began to rise he left the bed, tucking the covers tenderly around Nicholas, and dressed while the other man slept peacefully.

It wouldn't be safe to leave by the front, the neighbors might see and comment to Michelle, so he opened the window. With one leg over the sill he paused and stared for long moments at Nicholas' sleeping face, memorizing it.

To recall later, when his sould hurt again.

Then he slipped away, into the woods and on to his next mission.

There was a feeling in his chest that he almost didn't recognize, it had been so long since he felt it.

Nicholas had given him back his heart and with it, his joy.

Someday, he knew, he would be back to share that with Sydney's son.

Share the gift he had been given.

***

Waking several hours later, the phone ringing loudly beside his bed, Nicholas searched the room with his eyes as he answered, and saw no trace of the man that had visited him in the middle of the night. If not for the wellcome sorenesshe felt, he mighthave thought he'd dreamed the mysterious encounter.

"Hello?" A jaw-cracking yawn broke the words.

"Nicholas. Did I wake you? I was wondering if you'd like to have lunch with me today. we could spend some time together before you go back to school."

"Yes, father." Rolling to his back and closinghis eyes, Nicholas saw Jarod, curled up on his floor and crying and it saddened him, made the smile fade. "We have a lot to talk about."

"I was just thinking the same thing. Around one?"

Sydney said and he sounded as if he'd seen what Nicholas was thinking.

"Around one." His son agreed.

After hanging up he lay quietly, dozing, thinking hopeful thoughts about the man Jarod.

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