The Poopie List
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THE GHOST POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie on the toilet paper, but
there's no poopie in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there's
no poopie on the toilet paper.
THE WET POOPIE
You wipe your bum fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
putting toilet paper between your bum and your underwear so you don't
ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POOPIE
This poopie happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,
and you suddenly realize you have to poopie some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPIE
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead poopie".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POOPIE
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POOPIE
The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POOPIE
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the skid mark left on the bottom of the
toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE-
The kind where you want to poopie, but even after straining your guts out,
all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your
bum so fast that your bum cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POOPIE
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your bum,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
show it to someone before flushing.
THE CRACK FLAPPER POOPIE
This poopie seems to create its own weather system. Your bum cheeks
feel like they're flapping in the wind when this poopie comes out.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
allowing you to be your old self again.
THE "ON THE CLOCK" POOPIE
This is any poopie that you take while you are punched in at work.
Lunch hour and coffee break shits do not qualify.
THE "BEST NICKEL I EVER SPENT" POOPIE
This is any poopie that you take in a "pay" bathroom. Thankfully,
there aren't too many of these left. If you're ever in a
Mexican border town, be sure to try one!
This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE
A poopie so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE
This poopie has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POOPIE
This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.
A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to
resurface after many flushings.
A poopie which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in
a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POOPIE
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE
Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing games with
you. Requires patience and muscle control.
A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to poopie (ie. during a root canal) or you
are nowhere near poopie-ing facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POOPIE
This poopie occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE
This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
God when you actually CAN'T poopie.
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE
Also known as a "Still Going" poopie.
THE ROCKET POOPIE
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE
This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
THE SPINAL TAP POOPIE
The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to
be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUMHOLE" POOPIE
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poopies. The shape and size
of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to
your bum while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
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