The Poopie List

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THE GHOST POOPIE
    The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie on the toilet paper, but
    there's no poopie in the bowl.

THE CLEAN POOPIE
    The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there's
    no poopie on the toilet paper.

THE WET POOPIE
    You wipe your bum fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
    putting toilet paper between your bum and your underwear so you don't
    ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE POOPIE
    This poopie happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,
    and you suddenly realize you have to poopie some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPIE
    Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead poopie".
    You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
    practically have a stroke.

THE CORN POOPIE
    No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG POOPIE
    The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
    without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POOPIE
    The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
    It's most noticeable trait is the skid mark left on the bottom of the
    toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE-
    The kind where you want to poopie, but even after straining your guts out,
    all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE
    Also known as the "Power Dump".  That's the kind that comes out of your
    bum so fast that your bum cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID POOPIE
    That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your bum,
    splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
    chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE CROWD PLEASER
    This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
    show it to someone before flushing.

THE CRACK FLAPPER POOPIE
    This poopie seems to create its own weather system.  Your bum cheeks
    feel like they're flapping in the wind when this poopie comes out.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
    This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
    allowing you to be your old self again.

THE "ON THE CLOCK" POOPIE
    This is any poopie that you take while you are punched in at work.
    Lunch hour and coffee break shits do not qualify.

THE "BEST NICKEL I EVER SPENT" POOPIE
    This is any poopie that you take in a "pay" bathroom.  Thankfully,
    there aren't too many of these left.  If you're ever in a
    Mexican border town, be sure to try one!

THE RITUAL
    This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
    the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE
    A poopie so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE
    This poopie has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
    within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POOPIE
    This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
    A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
    Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to
    resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
    A poopie which refuses to let go.  It is usually necessary to engage in
    a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
    push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM POOPIE
    This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
    putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE
    Now you see it, now you don't.  This poopie is playing games with
    you.  Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
    A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
    inappropriate to poopie (ie. during a root canal) or you
    are nowhere near poopie-ing facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
    A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
    position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC POOPIE
    This poopie occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
    event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
    Drinker's poopie.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE
    This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
    woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE
    An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
    God when you actually CAN'T poopie.

PREMEDITATED POOPIE
    Laxative induced.  Doesn't count.

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE
    Also known as a "Still Going" poopie.

THE ROCKET POOPIE
    The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
    you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE
    This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
    over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
    poopie.)

THE SPINAL TAP POOPIE
    The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to
    be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUMHOLE" POOPIE
    Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poopies. The shape and size
    of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
    the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE POOPIE
    The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
    have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to
    your bum while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE
    When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
    rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE
    When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
    make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE
    Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
    anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
    near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for
    air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE
    Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
    off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

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